The best sexual positions and the finest lovemaking techniques!
How To Have Better Orgasms
Although at the highest levels of orgasm we are talking of Tantric sex, even without an interest in Tantra, or the spiritual side of sex, it is possible to increase the power of your orgasms considerably by using a few simple sexual techniques.
Many of us are desensitized to the pleasure which our genitals can provide during sex and orgasm.
The most extreme example of this, perhaps, is a woman who finds it difficult to reach orgasm - not just during sex, but in any context whatsoever, including masturbation.
You may well share the commonly held view that an orgasm is an orgasm is an orgasm. In reality there are several different kinds of orgasm.
For example, as you may already know, women can ejaculate during orgasm, and the fluid is definitely not urine, as has been claimed by some skeptics.
As another example of the variability of orgasm, you may know that orgasm in both men and women can take place without an ejaculation; indeed this lack of ejaculation is necessary for men to experience multiple orgasm.
You may also know that both men and women can enjoy multiple orgasms and that in their most intense forms orgasms can induce a spiritual sense of connection with universal life energy.
As you can appreciate, these facts take sex way beyond the conventional view of penetration, thrusting, ejaculation and so on.
This doesn't mean, of course, that you should necessarily follow the path of multiple orgasms or female ejaculation.
Rather, my point is that some people who do not fully experience the sensations coming from their genitals, and for whom orgasm is a limited experience, have a world of potential sexual possibilities open to them.
If you think about it, male and female orgasms have a great deal more in common than we might at first realize, since the male and female genitals originate in the same embryonic tissue as the baby grows in its mother's womb.
Extensive research on the human sexual response, published in 1987 in a book called Eve's Secrets by Josephine Lowndes Sevely, demonstrated that the sexual responses of men and women are so similar that it begins to seem meaningless to talk of orgasm and ejaculation as different processes.
In both men and women the sensations of orgasm and the pleasure it may bring can happen with or without ejaculation, and with or without penile penetration of the vagina.
This research demonstrated that orgasm is an event that can involve both mind and the body. Dr Alan Brauer and his wife Donna have demonstrated that the orgasm that we usually experience, lasting for an average of twelve seconds, can be extended through the appropriate training to thirty minutes or more.
I am not suggesting that it is necessary for you to strive for a thirty minute orgasm, nor that failing to achieve it means you have failed sexually!
On the contrary, the point of mentioning this is merely to demonstrate that the potential for improving the quality of your orgasms is almost unlimited.
Sexual pleasure is felt as a physical experience in the penis and the vagina; but it is also associated with the sexual pleasure centers in the brain.
There are three levels in the brain and spinal cord, each of which produces different sexual experiences.
The first is the medullary reflex, at the base of the spine, which produces autonomic sexual responses including penile erection, vaginal lubrication, and ejaculation of semen.
The next level is situated in the so-called archaic or reptile brain; and the highest centre is in the neo-cortex, where orgasmic energy can be experienced as, or lead to, an altered state of consciousness.
While a certain degree of self-discipline and spiritual practice is necessary to achieve the highest level of orgasmic pleasure, it is very possible to increase the pleasure that you receive from sex by adopting a few simple sexual techniques.
For example, much has been said about the difficulty for women in reaching orgasm during intercourse. And, yes, it is true that many women do indeed find it difficult to achieve orgasm during lovemaking.
But we should not be influenced by preconceptions, for the ease of orgasm varies dramatically between women.
Those women whose clitoris is near the vaginal entrance, perhaps even right next to it, are able to reach orgasm very easily during lovemaking. And if their G spot is very near the opening of the vagina as well, and they are both stimulated during intercourse - particularly in the woman on top sexual position - then reaching orgasm during sexual intercourse may actually be much easier for a woman.
If the clitoris is a long way from her vagina opening, a woman will probably need manual stimulation of her clitoris during intercourse if she is to reach orgasm.
Moreover, a lot of couples do not realize that the best sex tends to happen when the size of the penis and the size of the vagina are well-matched.
This knowledge was available in the Kama Sutra hundreds of years ago: the Kama Sutra distinguished penises by length and thickness into various categories such as the hare (small) or the bull (large) and the vagina into categories such as the deer (small) and the horse (large).
The most compatible sex happens between a penis and vagina which are ideally suited in size.
A long, thick penis would best be suited to a deep-set, wide vagina. Nonetheless, the point is that when you become aware of the finer details of lovemaking you will be able to achieve sexual pleasure in many more ways than you currently think possible!
Adjusting your sexual positions can render discrepancies in the size of your genitals irrelevant to the success of sex; and changing sexual positions to suit the size of your genitals can increase the sensations of pleasure that you feel and make sex a much more rewarding experience.
Specifically, what I would like to discuss here is the experience of desensitization or bodily armoring.
This is a process where traumatic experiences are literally stored as a cellular memory in the tissues of the body.
However you see this, the effect is the same: the tissue is desensitized, energy is blocked, and there is tension in that area. Overall, the effect is to reduce pain, but of course along with the reduction in pain and unpleasant sensations there is a reduction in pleasurable sensations - not great in the sexual areas of the body!
Because the genitals are such a sensitive area of the body, it is inevitable that they are subject to all kinds of negative experiences from our earliest life onwards: even harmless incidents such as the vagina being cleaned during diaper (nappy) changing can leave a traumatic impression later in life.
Later in life, unwanted sexual experiences serve to cut us off, at least in part, from the sensations that we receive from our penis, vagina, testicles, and vulva.
Unwanted or negative sexual experiences also leave a residue of tension and energy blockage in the vagina; circumcision, masturbation, and making love before a man is ready to do so (or indeed any experience of lovemaking that the man enters into reluctantly) are among the experiences that can leave armoring in the tissues of the penis and testicles.
In all cases, the effect is a need for more intense stimulation to achieve sexual pleasure.
Margo Anand has mapped out the relationship between the various areas of the genitals in women and the trauma they store.
She claims there are associations such as these: the vaginal lips are related to a fear of opening, sexual shame, desire to hide, and a feeling of inability to complete; the clitoris is linked to nervousness, distrust, impatience, holding tight, and not expressing anger; the perineum is associated with difficulty letting go into the pleasure of sex and numbness; the barrel of the vagina holds anger; while the G spot is associated with sexual frustration, and performance anxiety.
Of course maps like these are not definitive; and perhaps we should see their most useful function as reminding us that any negative or unsatisfactory sexual experience will be stored in the tissues of the body.
You may at this point be wondering if the concept of genital armoring - or tension build-up - is relevant to your sexual experience.
You can work this out by asking yourself if you have ever answered "yes" to any of these questions.
I think it is true that we all have some degree of genital armoring.
The more relaxed you are in talking about sex and your sexual experiences, and the more relaxed you are in engaging in lovemaking with your partner, the less likely you are to have a high degree of physical tension in your genitals due to sexual trauma.
Margo Anand describes the qualities of a relaxed vagina - a sexually healed vagina - as "naturally yielding, soft and welcoming, allowing a sense of trust and playfulness in lovemaking...
The vaginal muscles are elastic and respond to the penis by massaging it naturally." She describes the "healed" penis as "flexible, warm and vibrantly alive when erect.... its increased sensitivity enables the man to receive pleasure by resting his penis in the vagina in a gentle, relaxed and non-demanding way."
So the question at this stage, then, is: what do we do to achieve genital healing, to remove the effects of sexual trauma and the physical remains of stressful events from our body? What do we need to do to go forward into the joys of ecstatic love-making?
Longer & Better Orgasms During Sex
The notes in this section are based on the book "The Art of Sexual Ecstasy" by Margo Anand, published by Penguin in 1989.
Many people have a suspicion that they are not getting as much from their orgasms as they are capable of: you may be in this situation if the sexual cycle of foreplay, arousal, orgasm, and post-coital relaxation provides only short lived satisfaction, and a sense of a release of tension.
Laci Green On Sexual Confidence
Margo Anand suggests that love and acceptance are the main things that contribute to the sexual healing process.
She observes that we need to fully understand what it means to love ourselves and all of our bodies - including our genitals - before we can truly love another person, both sexually and emotionally.
For example, one woman in a sexual healing group reported that she had allowed men to penetrate her vaginally before she was fully aroused for most of her adult life.
The consequence of this was the buildup of vaginal armoring: a process of physically and psychologically defending against the hurt of this intrusive penetration.
When she met a man who understood the need to sexually heal her vagina, in which these minor abuses had been stored as cellular memory, thereby preventing her from enjoying full sexual pleasure, she was able to allow him to give her an internal massage - and this released the physical, psychological, and emotional blocks stopping her getting full enjoyment of sex.
Her lover aroused her by giving her a full body massage and paying attention to her clitoris without suggesting that he wished to penetrate her.
By encouraging her to breathe into and fully accept her feelings of sexual pleasure she gradually became very aroused; at which point he gently penetrated her with his fingers and started massaging her vagina with his fingertips.
This is really helpful for men who come too quickly. It avoids the embarrassment of ejaculating before the woman is satisfied.
Those men who have taken the time to explore the internal anatomy of the vagina will know that the position of the G-spot is on the front wall of the vagina (when a woman is lying as if she were ready for sex in the man on top or missionary position) and that massaging it during sex can produce an extremely erotic sexual energy flow for a woman.
In this particular case, when the woman's lover found her G spot, she described his massage as triggering an "unusual sort of electric, erotic sensation".
With the aid of deep breathing and relaxation, plus the encouragement of her partner's loving, caring touch, the sexual stimulation of this position caused the erotic energy to flow around the rest of her vagina and outwards to her body.
At this point her lover penetrated her with his penis and so stimulated her G spot again; he was also caressing her clitoris with his hand, and the rhythmic stimulation of both her clitoris and vagina, in the rear entry sex position, caused her to have an intense orgasm which she described as "a sensation of pleasure so overwhelming that she burst into tears".
This is the kind of sexual experience that women commonly report when their vagina is awakened from insensitivity caused by unwanted, unwelcome, or unappreciated sexual involvement.
The opportunity to receive healing love and gentle sexual massage from a loving partner is invaluable in restoring a woman's sexuality to its innocent state: by which I mean the state in which she is open to receiving sensual and sexual pleasure with free flow of erotic energy around her body.
Margo Anand describes this state - which applies to a man after sexual healing just as much as to a woman - as enabling male or female sex organs to enjoy their instinctual ability to experience ecstatic lovemaking.
It is certainly true that when one achieves the higher levels of sexual pleasure there is some kind of instinctual process at work during sex, almost as if one knew without thinking what best to do to arouse and satisfy one's partner.
The first process we shall discuss is healing in the vagina - also known as the Yoni in the tradition from which Tantric sex originates. [ Continued below the menu bar ]
The origin of these techniques is actually somewhat irrelevant; what matters is their ability to increase the level of sexual pleasure which a woman can obtain from her lover during either manual stimulation or sexual intercourse.
If you are a man you may have had moments during sex where you had a sense of the vagina as almost a sacred entity, something where you receive your greatest pleasure, and yet at the same time can show your true love towards your partner.
The sheer intimacy of these moments is remarkable, and you can obtain more of them by moving sex into a position where both partners have received sexual healing.
And the whole process also increases sexual self-confidence and the strength of emotional bonds within a relationship.
Having said all that, this is not some big deal sexually. It's best to keep the process light, to enjoy it, to laugh, and to have fun. You may find as you massage a woman's G spot that there is subsequently a release of strong emotion: either tears or joy or anger - perhaps even rage.
None of this is directed at you: it is the discharge of emotions repressed and unfelt at the time of some sexual experiences which were not working for the highest good of the woman concerned.
The amazing fact that the vagina can be healed through intimate sexual massage gives a couple the opportunity to establish much greater sexual intimacy as well as obtaining much greater orgasmic pleasure from their love-making.
Since this is a very intimate process, you need to be careful of two things: do not have any sharp fingernails, so you do not damage the delicate lining of the vagina, and also be mindful of infection.
My assumption is that you will be doing this work with a partner whose sexual history is known to you.
If this is not the case, then please make sure that you wear latex gloves to avoid any question of cross infection.
The woman who is receiving the sexual massage should lie down in a way that enables her to be truly relaxed.
In other words, there should be no distractions, whether these be children, telephone, domestic jobs, or anything else.
The room should be warm enough to ensure her comfort, and that of her partner if he is massaging her naked.
Since this process is intimate both sensually and sexually, the best position for the woman is the one she would adopt if she was enjoying the man on top sex position.
She may raise the upper part of her body; if she does so, she needs to be comfortably supported with her legs apart and perhaps her knees raised very slightly so that her partner has free access to her vulva.
It's always nice to create a sacred space with flowers, candles, essential oils, feathers, and anything else which attracts you and your partner as meaningful in the creation of your own sacred sexual space.
The process of sexual healing may take up to 90 minutes the first time you do it, although if you later repeat the exercise you may be able to do it faster.
Open your sexual ceremony by feeling the sexual energy flowing around her body and your own.
Enjoy a mutual greeting or exchange of heart energy - which you can do by placing your hands on each other's hearts, looking into each other's eyes, and sending wishes of love and well-being to each other.
The man then approaches the woman's vulva gradually, working up to it with massage of her whole body.
He can gradually massage up her thighs, around her pelvis, and perhaps over the lower part of her buttocks, at all times maintaining his awareness of what he is doing, so that the movements do not become repetitive or routine or unthinking.
If you are the man, your objective is to gradually arouse your partner, so watch for the first signs of her arousal.
This will come after you have massaged her body in general and her genitals in particular for long enough to ensure that she is sexually aroused and showing signs of increasing sexual arousal.
When she is ready to allow penetration, look out for a subtle movement of her pelvis towards you, or a rotation of her hips or pubic bone.
Ask permission to penetrate her with one or two fingers as she desires.
Your objective is then to massage the inner tissue of her vagina, starting near the outside and working inwards.
If at any point she expresses or feels pain, you should gently press on that point without moving your finger, while sending loving energy flowing through her tissue until the pain dissipates.
These knots of tension can be the result of sexual trauma, or at least the memory of sexual trauma, which has accumulated in an area of tissue, so dispersing it is important.
As these sexual injuries heal you may feel a sensation of heat, which continues until the pain and injury has dissipated.
(Bear in mind that these are not physical wounds - they are cellular memories of emotional wounds.)
It's also important for your partner to give feedback on what she is feeling, what she requires you to do, and what state of sexual arousal she has reached. For example, how do you move your fingers?
In the bottom area of the vagina, near her rectum, you may be able to feel the base of her spine and her sacrum.
Apply gentle but firm pressure using a zigzag movement with straight fingers in this area: and communicate with your partner, asking her to express any emotions which may come up when you massage this area.
In the rest of the front portion of the vagina, around the vaginal introitus and a little way inside, use a finger tip circular movement, gently seeking out those areas of tissue holding emotional wounds and applying gentle pressure until you sense the sexual injury healing.
By the way, it is important that you keep moving your own position during this sexual massage; if you are uncomfortable or tense, your mind will probably not be in the right place to fully switch off and fully enter the sensual realm.
One of the most important positions for this kind of sexual/spiritual massage is the G spot.
There is an area of tissue called the urethral sponge on the upper middle part of her vagina; some people say that this is actually the G spot; others say that it is a separate area of tissue.
For now, it doesn't really matter: what matters is that you are able to locate the G spot for your woman, especially if her sexual experiences have been very negative.
If this is her sexual position, she will most likely have an insensitive G spot which will not register pleasure even with a loving touch.
This is certainly an area where much pain, sexual tension, resentment, and emotion can accumulate. The dispersal of this energy can lead to a much greater awareness of sexual energy and sexual pleasure.
In the deeper parts of the vagina, before you reach the cervix, there is an arch-like space where the vagina balloons during sexual arousal.
When you push against the tissue here with your finger tip - but not against the cervix directly - your partner may feel tension, a sense of "burning", a desire to urinate, some sort of emotional or physical pain, or anxiety and fear.
Reassure her that you are with her during the experience and encourage her to tell you what she is experiencing.
As you give sexual healing, the positions which hold traumatic memories will give up the energy they hold from any sexual issues she may have received inadvertently (e.g. penetration before she was ready) or deliberately (e.g. rape) in the past.
As a man stimulating your partner, keep in mind that rhythmic stimulation of the G spot needs patience, care and time.
And it may also need more lubrication than a woman naturally produces, so have plenty of water-based lubricant on hand for this process of sexual massage.
When she is highly aroused, the rhythmic stroking of your finger across her G spot will allow her to reach a very powerful orgasm.
This is especially true if she is stimulating her own clitoris at the same time, or indeed if you are stimulating it for her. If you are dong it, keep your focus and find the rhythm that will encourage her progress towards orgasm.
As she approaches orgasm she may feel her vaginal muscles squeezing rhythmically and sense a "ballooning" out of the upper part of her vagina (this area opens up during orgasm).
If she experiences the sensation that her uterus and cervix are pressing down into her vagina, it may be a sign that she is ready for even greater sexual stimulation, taking you both to an exploration of even higher levels of sexual arousal.
In this case, it is possibly appropriate to continue sexual stimulation and look for the achievement of a deeper, more profound "blended" orgasm at this point.
What is actually most important is to listen to the woman's sense of whether or not she could achieve another orgasm.
Is she in fact motivated to go for a blended orgasm - blended orgasms involve a clitoral orgasm and a vaginal orgasm or the even deeper experience of a vaginal and a uterine orgasm blended together.
But these more profound sexual orgasms will only happen if she is confident and trusting of you, her partner, and you are truly dedicated to giving her the greatest pleasure.
If you are feeling impatient or in any other way stressed, it is better to leave this for another time when you can focus completely on the sensual intimacy of what you are doing.
Finally for complete sexual healing, you need to repeat this process about six times in the space of 12 months.
Throughout this process you will find your lovemaking becomes more enjoyable, more sexual, more sensual, more orgasmic, and more rewarding for both of you.