How To Have An Orgasm
About one woman in ten has never had an orgasm during either masturbation or partner sex - an amazing statistic. But happily, the great news is that it is possible to learn to have orgasms....
The first step for any woman who wants to develop her capacity to be orgasmic is to understand exactly how the female body behaves on the way to orgasm. There's an interesting balance of tension and relaxation during the sexual arousal process for a woman, which helps her to achieve an orgasm during sexual activity.
You often read that an orgasm is based on the release of bodily tension which builds up during arousal.
That's true, but this information alone doesn't necessarily help a woman to achieve orgasm - she also needs to know how to balance muscular tension with adequate relaxation -- interestingly, the latter is often more about her mental attitude than her physical state.
Now, if you're a bit confused about how to reach maximum sexual pleasure - have an orgasm - let's look at this in more detail.
Step 1: Tense Up
It's a mistake to think that you should just lie there whilst your partner (or you yourself) plays with your clitoris until you reach a natural climax! In fact, if you are pre-orgasmic you may find that a fair amount of tension in the muscles of your legs, abdomen and even your buttocks can help you to come more quickly.
It's also true that tensing the muscles of your lower pelvis and around your genitals (men's information and women's information) can help you to reach orgasm. (These are the muscles that you'd use to stop the flow of urine as you are peeing, and conscious, deliberate contraction of those muscles - Kegel exercises - can strengthen the muscles of the bladder, pelvis and vagina.
The connection between tension in these muscles and reaching orgasm is as follows: tensing these muscles increases your sexual arousal by stimulating the genitals, both with extra blood flow and with the muscular tension itself.
Many women who masturbate by squeezing their thighs together find later in life that they are so habituated to this method of reaching orgasm that they cannot do so in any other way! (Although it's always possible to learn how to come quickly in other ways.)
Step 2: Relax
To be fully able to get to orgasm, a woman needs to be relaxed, confident and happy that she's safe, with a partner who she desires and loves, and with whom she really wants to have sex. She also needs to feel connected to him.
One of the best things that a man can offer a woman when he is trying to help bring her to orgasm is the reassurance that she can lie back, relax, and enjoy his attention free of anxiety, while he gives her the space in which she can relax into her orgasm mentally.
A woman can also repeat positive affirmations such as, "I can take all the time I want and I will have a powerful orgasm. I can take all the time I want and I will have a powerful orgasm. And if I don't have a powerful orgasm it doesn't matter because I can just relax and enjoy all the sensations." This kind of positive self talk can be very helpful in reassuring a woman that she's actually in a place where she can take the time and relax enough to fully enter into her sexual pleasure.
She can also visualize images such as this: for example, lying in a field in the sunshine with the sensuous sunny warmth streaming over her body and stimulating her clitoris and breasts. There are no hard and fast rules, so it's up to each individual woman to experiment with these sorts of images and see what arouses her most.
There's no doubt that fantasy can be really helpful in increasing a woman's arousal sufficiently for her to reach orgasm more easily. Having said that, the disadvantage of fantasy is that it takes a woman away from her partner and also from the connection with him. That may not in itself be a bad thing if she's learning to be orgasmic, however.
So, in summary therefore, the method is to tense the muscles in your body in a way that makes you feel more aroused while you simultaneously relax your mind and become open to the possibility of a woman having an orgasm.
For many women the barrier is a point just before orgasm where instead of relaxing into the orgasm and letting it flow through them, they tense up and stop it happening. This is the experience a woman may often have: to be on the verge of orgasm and then to feel it slip away from her. This is generally due to the fact that she's not open enough to the experience mentally.
I Can't Reach Orgasm !
What if you really can't reach orgasm despite all the advice on this website (and in particular in the members' area)?
Start by seeing a doctor, in case you are on medication that is interfering with your orgasmic response.
Also, there is an FDA approved device called an Eros which increases blood flow to the genitals - but it's only available on prescription, However, it can certainly help some women to have an orgasm.
There is also a variety of creams, lotions and potions on the Internet, offered by websites of greater or lesser veracity. Whether you try these are not is entirely up to you but exercise a great deal of caution.
If these compounds are made in overseas factories, the conditions may be far from hygienic. And even assuming that they are made in decent conditions, there is no way of knowing if the active ingredients claimed on the label are actually in the product or whether they work or not.
The fact is that over 90% of the difficulties women have in learning how to have an orgasm stem from psychological issues, which is fantastic because it means that you can learn to be orgasmic comparatively easily.
Consider the following questions if you are anorgasmic:
What is there about your relationship that's stopping you from achieving orgasm? Do you have some kind of performance anxiety? Do you feel that you're not good enough? Or is it a much more fundamental issue that you don't really want to be having sex with that particular person?
Spend a little time thinking about all these issues and you may well come up with some surprising answers that help you to establish just why you're having trouble coming (also known as "cumming") during sex.
If you're anxious or stressed or you feel any time pressure while you're having sex with your partner, you may not experience an orgasm very easily!
Such things as time pressure and anxiety distance you from your sexual arousal and inhibit the development of the relaxed state of mind that's necessary for an orgasm -- and may make you feel tense in your body. In particular, you can't achieve the mental relaxation that is necessary for you to enjoy opening out into orgasm, either clitoral or vaginal.
Self talk which is critical definitely will prevent you from reaching orgasm. This includes questions that you address yourself such as "Am I doing this right? Am I going to have an orgasm? What does he think of my body?"
To overcome this level of self-consciousness takes sexual confidence and experience, plus a reasonable level of self-esteem. So, if this kind of issue is affecting you, you might want to try some kind of psychotherapy at a more general level to help you feel better about yourself.
Having said that, many women grow into their sexual selves and become much more confident sexually as they get more experience: the question is whether or not you want to wait for that to happen naturally or to speed up the process by getting some kind of therapeutic input.
Finally make sure you can ask your partner for what you want. Men have a straightforward response to sexual stimulation - they are stimulated, they cum, they feel good and then sleep........ Yes, of course I'm exaggerating slightly, but you probably know what I mean!
A woman's orgasmic response is much more susceptible to disturbance by stimulation that doesn't immediately enhance sexual responsivity. Unfortunately, it is often challenging for a man to move from his own frame of reference about achieving orgasm into his partner's, so tact, diplomacy, and open and honest communication are essential.
Here are some interesting facts concerning the female orgasm:
1 Between 50 and 75% of women require clitoral stimulation before they have an orgasm. At least those are the generally accepted figures, but I believe the proportion is actually much higher. I think almost all women need clitoral stimulation to get an orgasm.
It's true that many women find vaginal stimulation to be arousing and very pleasant, but I think most women also require clitoral stimulation to tip them over into the actual experience of orgasm. This is true whether or not they rub their clitorises directly with hand or finger or a sex toy or they use friction against a pillow or some other object.
2 For couples who like to enjoy intercourse while she orgasms, the best and most practical way to achieve this is for him to arouse her right to the edge of orgasm before he enters her; he then continues stimulating her to take her into orgasm as he enjoys thrusting in her vagina.
The truth is, of course, that as soon as she starts to orgasm he's likely to ejaculate immediately because it's an extremely powerful and exciting experience for him. There's nothing wrong with this, but it can mean that he loses the ability or desire to thrust for longer periods of time while retaining control, and this in turn may deprive her of a significant amount of sexual stimulation from the friction of his penis on her G spot.
3 Between a third and a half of women say they don't orgasm often enough or are not satisfied with the quality of their orgasm. Most of these problems are undoubtedly around performance anxiety, about not achieving the right balance between physical tension, sexual arousal, and mental relaxation and openness. Reaching orgasm is certainly an art but it can be done, even when you've never had an orgasm before!
4 33 to 50% of women experience orgasm infrequently and are dissatisfied with how often they reach orgasm.
5 Unbelievably, between 10 and 15% of American women have never had an orgasm either during masturbation or with a sex partner. This seems incredible, in what's supposed to be an enlightened era of sexual knowledge. It's up to every woman to take charge of her sexual destiny and make sure that she can achieve orgasm if she wishes to do so: a supportive partner is a great assistance in this process, but it isn't in itself necessary.
Becoming fully orgasmic is often a process of self-discovery on a much wider front, and all the tools and techniques you need to do this are described in detail on this website. More to the point, learning to reach orgasm can be great fun - it's a wonderful journey when you discover your body's potential for pleasure and is really enjoyable - particularly if you've experienced shame around issues of sexuality in the past.
6 The number of women who reach orgasm during intercourse vary according to who you believe. I think the figure is actually very low indeed -- around 15% or less.....in fact, probably around 5%. It doesn't matter, though! Orgasms can be a very satisfying experience when they are shared with partner whether you are actually engaged in intercourse or not. If you do want to achieve simultaneous orgasm during intercourse, we describe many ways you can work towards this on this website.
7 Finally, the main reasons women cannot attain orgasm include ignorance about their own bodies and sexuality, and fear or anxiety around sex, guilt around sex, and, last but not least, fear of letting go.
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