Tantric sex - principles

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Love and Sex

The Tantric texts have much to say about human sexuality, but they all agree that sex is best enjoyed within a stable and loving relationship. To the Tantrikas, sex is not just something you do for pleasure, it's a deep and profoundly meaningful way of exchanging sexual energy. Since sexual energy comes from the divine, the universal life force, the fundamental energy of the cosmos (also known as spirit, soul, chi, ki, kundalini, or cosmic consciousness), when you have sex with your partner, you actually exchange universal energy and you enter into a spiritual act of worship, an act of ultimate lovingness.

Shaking off what you've learned about your sexual inheritance

But of course getting in touch with this energy is hard if you're not comfortable with your own sexuality. Western society, for some reason (probably because of its religious traditions) has always seen sex as sinful or dirty, and we've all absorbed guilt and shame about our own sexuality, and it isn't easy to get rid of this....but, to enjoy the true expression of love and sexuality that is the aim of Tantric practice, you must learn to be thoroughly relaxed about your body, your sexuality in general, and your lovemaking in particular, so you become a man or woman capable of giving and receiving loving sexual energy on a very intimate and personal level.

You need to start by developing a sense of love for your own body: indeed, you need to be able to love it as you would expect your lover to love it (i.e. with complete acceptance). But, like the rest of us in Western society, you have probably been brought up to think of the human body as irredeemably flawed if it does not conform to the images of perfection peddled to us by the beauty industry, the media, and the fashion industry. Images of so-called perfection are all around us, especially images for women, who are faced with Western concepts of what female beauty should look like on every magazine cover, billboard and TV programme they see. Which woman genuinely doesn't care what she looks like? Which man wouldn't like a flatter belly or a bigger penis? Try and think of your lover as a person who sought you out so as to learn something profound, to use you as a channel for divine sexual energy, not as someone who wants a perfect lover with a perfect body. If you can do this, you will understand that your body is perfect for them just as it is.

Just how can you be comfortable with your body?

For genuine Tantric sex you must be relaxed about the appearance of your body. You must be willing to let your lover see it - and be comfortable with this - even if there are a few stretch marks or excess pounds around your waist, or your breasts and/or penis don't match up - in your opinion! Remember, your true lover doesn't care what you look like - they love you just the way you are, and you are the person they want to be with, and you're occupying the body they want to enjoy. (By the way, if your lover keeps suggesting you change something about yourself, maybe you are not with quite the right person for Tantric sex...)

Make a start on loving yourself!

When you're alone, get a full-length mirror and stand completely naked in front of it. Look frankly at your reflection and listen to what is going on in your mind. The appearance of your body matters not - what matters is what you are saying to yourself about it. Do you feel free, relaxed, sexy perhaps? Or ashamed and shy? When you stand naked like this, all the sayings and statements about you that people put in your head count for nothing - what matters is what you yourself believe to be true. And only you can alter your perceptions, since only you have control over your sexual and spiritual energy. So the first and most important change you must make as you become expert in Tantric sex is to accept yourself, your sexuality and, most of all, your own body. Of course your lover will perceive what you feel about yourself if you carry this with you when you make love, but it isn't anybody's responsibility but yours.

Such self-acceptance is required because Tantric Sex uses sex as a means to expand and enhance your sexuality and spirituality. It doesn't involve casual sex, group sex, gurus, celibacy or unsatisfying sex. When you understand the importance of the energy generated, enhanced and exchanged during sex, you truly understand Tantric sex, and you then have a way to connect with the divine energy of the universe.

Next: what do you expect of sex, and of your partner? Start by writing down all the things that you expect from your partner. What do you want during sex, during periods of intimacy, as you make love? What do you want to do to them? What do you want them to give you? How do you like to be held, touched, and caressed? What do you want them to give you, or to do for you? And what do you not like? What would you like to try but have never dared to do? Write all this down and exchange it with your lover. Compare your answers and see what surprises there are in stall for you - but don't let this develop into a fight: the purpose is only to learn about what you and your partner want, since in Tantric sex there is neither right or wrong. There is just non-judgemental acceptance and respectful recognition of each other's emotions, sexual desires and, especially, your sexual practices.

Sex as a means of communication

Sex is a way to communicate - yet few of us have the communication skills which allow us to exchange information about our needs and desires honestly with our partners. Yet the irony is that when we can communicate openly, sex is greatly enhanced, and indeed so is our everyday life: we are able to ask for our needs to be met, so we can be loved in the way we want, when we want - and we can ask for these things when we wish them, knowing it is our right to get them. You'll see how there is a symmetry to this: for you cannot give these things to you lover unless you know what he or she wants during sex. Listening and hearing each other are crucial processes for lovers engaged in Tantric sex - you cannot meet another's needs when you are narcissistically wrapped up in your own needs, and you cannot give openly to another unless you abandon expectation of reward or reciprocal giving. Tantric sex is sex without selfishness.

As the cliché has it, the best way to get love is to give love - but you have to be able to give it first, and give it without expectation of receiving love in return. I'm not sure I agree with the statement I've heard that Western sex is about taking first, while the more spiritual Tantric sex is about giving first, because I believe a lot of people practice this kind of approach to sex anyway, but what is true is that you must give during sex to be able to reach the heights of Tantric pleasure. As you will find - if you have not already done so - giving another person, one whom you love, sexual pleasure can be one of the most rewarding experiences in life.

Another step forward....

Do this alternately, man and woman receiving and giving. If it's the woman who is to receive from her partner first, the man's objective is to show her that she is a true goddess - the sexual goddess that all women have inside them, and which is never far from the surface. As the man: run her a warm bath, and decorate the bathroom with incense and candles; invest time and energy in pampering her, so she can relax while you wash her all over. Let her dictate what happens by having her tell you how she likes to be pampered, and then do it for her. This is a process in which you are really worshipping her as a manifestation of the ultimate female (sexual, divine) energy.

After her bath have her lie down on the bed or even on a rug in front of the fire, and give her a sensual massage with essential oils. The idea of this massage is to explore her body, using a sensuous but non-sexual touch. As you do this, she will put her attention into her body, trying to be fully "present" in the skin where you touch her, so that she feels her skin tingle with energy. She must tell him you what she likes, what feels good, where she likes to be touched most, and how you should touch her - what degree of pressure, how to move your hands. If she wants to have an orgasm, then by all means move into a sexual phase of the massage, using your tongue, fingers and mouth to bring her to orgasm - but this is not about sex, so please don't have intercourse. It's about you giving her your complete attention, taking an opportunity to worship the divine feminine.

And while this continues, the woman should revel in the experience of being the worshipped goddess, and do her best to get into touch with whatever she is feeling, sexual or otherwise. So let him touch you - you are not attending to his sexual needs right now, so if he gets an erection, leave it alone! You can relish the feeling of him worshipping you in this way, and also revel in the sense of being a goddess in human form!

The next time you do this, swap over. Let her take a turn at worshipping her man, and let him take his turn at relaxing and accepting what is done to him as she worships his particular expression of the divine sexual energy. Follow the same routine as before: start with her bathing him, and let her give him a massage. As the man, tell her what you like to be touched, how you like to be touched, and let her touch you - relax, be sensuous, and let her bring you to orgasm using her hands and mouth if you wish, but remember that sex is not just about having an orgasm......

Not about having an orgasm?!

The focus of Tantric sex is on the energy generated by making love and exchanging that energy during sex - both of these things are unrelated to the male orgasm (well, more or less unrelated!). While a lot of us think of sex as something that culminates in orgasm, and that's true for men especially, an alternative view is that sexual encounters can be about sensuous loving, energy exchange, and honest connection with your partner. And as you progress, you will find that the male orgasm and ejaculation are quite separate processes, so ejaculation need not be the goal during sex for either men or women. Once you lose your focus on the goal of sex as being an orgasm, you can begin to look instead at sex as a process, and all sorts of possibilities open up for you - increased energy, increased intimacy, increased openness and greater spirituality, to name but a few. Besides which, it's great just to have your partner worship you in this way.

Loving relationships create better sex

Is a loving relationship essential for Tantric sex? Yes. A one night stand may be physically satisfying, but it's emotionally unfulfilling - at least most of the time - and without intimate knowledge of what your partner truly wants and desires from a lover, how can sex be great? Still, that does not mean everyone has to avoid this kind of sexual experience - it means that as a potential Tantrica, this sort of casual sex will not be a life-enhancing experience. And of course, a stable relationship gives you a better chance of avoiding sexually transmitted diseases and enjoying better sex. (Although if you are lucky enough to meet a soul-mate, sex can be truly spiritual even if your time together is brief.)

The whole concept of exchanging sexual energy during sex is new and rather radical in the West. It follows that if your sexual encounters are brief, shameful or negative, the energy will not be positive, and you won't be enhancing anyone's energy, least of all your own. Next, we shall see how you can purify your sexual energy and raise it to a higher level.

DTH