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Sex tips 5 - Think less and feel more! Dealing with sex problems

Whether a man comes too quickly, can't come at all, or has to use fantasy to arouse himself so that he can actually have sex, there is one common factor at work here: he is having too much sex in his head.

Almost all sexual problems respond to an approach where a man gets out of his head and into his body more. When a man can respond to good feelings in his body more, and especially when he can focus on exactly what's happening to him right now, during sex, this very moment, he will feel less anxious, and worry less about how his performance is holding up (not to mention his erection!).

Basically, sex is always a response to physical stimulation and good feelings in the body. Sure, we respond to fantasy, and to sexual desire which feels as though it is all in our head: but for good sexual function, we must be aroused in our bodies as well.

Let's look at this a bit more. Mental stimulation, in the form of fantasy (which covers just about all thinking about and anticipation of sex) is not bad, or wrong, and it can actually heighten physical arousal - not to mention being fun. But there are some down sides to fantasy: for one thing, if a man has serious conflicts about his sexuality, he may have to use fantasy to overcome his anxiety. A man with premature ejaculation may become so aroused in his mind that he loses touch with his body, after which he loses his ability to control when he ejaculates. And a man who depends exclusively on his mental thoughts for his arousal may find that as he gets older he loses the ability to become physically aroused.

The need to use fantasy to get aroused can become so compelling that a man may find his attention splits during sex, so part of his focus is on what he is doing and the other part is on how well he is doing. And, as you may know, few things pose a greater threat to sexual success than the thought of being judged about how you are doing - even when you're the judge!

By contrast, a man who focuses on the physical sensations of sex leaves little or no room for anxiety about how he is doing. He doesn't speculate about how his performance measures up, as he is absorbed in the physical pleasures of sex, the sensations of what he is feeling.

You may be wondering whether such heavy use of fantasy is really something unusual or unhelpful - don't all men do this, you may be asking. Certainly if you fit into the category of a heavy-duty fantasizer, you will now be thinking it odd than anyone would question this approach to sex. Yes, but only up to a certain point! Too much fantasy means you lose control of your body because your attention is focused too much in what's going on in your mind.

Well, OK then, you may say, but how do I get aroused without some sexual thoughts? Well, the answer is that you do have sexual thoughts - you just have fewer of them! You also learn to enjoy the physical pleasure of sex by touching. The method you can use is a series of touching exercises which you and your partner enjoy with each other - exercises designed to bring you back into contact with your body, and allow you to experience the pleasure of physical arousal.

Of course, a lot of men with premature ejaculation think that if they just focus on the physical sensations of sex, they are going to come even faster. This is actually not true, though at first sight it looks logical. The thing is, you need to recognize the physical sensations and feelings your body is giving you, to be able to recognize when you are about to come.

Some men who start learning this kind of ejaculatory control will think that when they do have sex, the extended pleasure of long lasting intercourse is not as pleasurable as simply ejaculating just whenever they are ready to, without any degree of control. But the truth is that the reward of becoming a more skilful lover, one with the ability to last as long as you want, and with greater ability to please a woman during sex, is much greater than the instant gratification of rapid ejaculation.

Medline on the causes of premature ejaculation

Medline on delayed ejacualtion