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Think less and feel more! Dealing with rapid ejaculation

Whether a man comes too quickly, can't come at all, or has to use fantasy to arouse himself so that he can actually have sex, there is one common factor at work here: he is having too much sex in his head.

Almost all sexual problems respond to an approach where a man gets out of his head and into his body more. When a man can respond to good feelings in his body more, and especially when he can focus on exactly what's happening to him right now, during sex, this very moment, he will feel less anxious, and worry less about how his performance is holding up (not to mention his erection!).

Basically, sex is always a response to physical stimulation and good feelings in the body. Sure, we respond to fantasy, and to sexual desire which feels as though it is all in our head: but for good sexual function, we must be aroused in our bodies as well.

Let's look at this a bit more. Mental stimulation, in the form of fantasy (which covers just about all thinking about and anticipation of sex) is not bad, or wrong, and it can actually heighten physical arousal - not to mention being fun. But there are some down sides to fantasy: for one thing, if a man has serious conflicts about his sexuality, he may have to use fantasy to overcome his anxiety. A man with premature ejaculation may become so aroused in his mind that he loses touch with his body, after which he loses his ability to control when he ejaculates. And a man who depends exclusively on his mental thoughts for his arousal may find that as he gets older he loses the ability to become physically aroused.

The need to use fantasy to get aroused can become so compelling that a man may find his attention splits during sex, so part of his focus is on what he is doing and the other part is on how well he is doing. And, as you may know, few things pose a greater threat to sexual success than the thought of being judged about how you are doing - even when you're the judge!

By contrast, a man who focuses on the physical sensations of sex leaves little or no room for anxiety about how he is doing. He doesn't speculate about how his performance measures up, as he is absorbed in the physical pleasures of sex, the sensations of what he is feeling.

You may be wondering whether such heavy use of fantasy is really something unusual or unhelpful - don't all men do this, you may be asking. Certainly if you fit into the category of a heavy-duty fantasizer, you will now be thinking it odd than anyone would question this approach to sex. Yes, but only up to a certain point! Too much fantasy means you lose control of your body because your attention is focused too much in what's going on in your mind.

Well, OK then, you may say, but how do I get aroused without some sexual thoughts? Well, the answer is that you do have sexual thoughts - you just have fewer of them! You also learn to enjoy the physical pleasure of sex by touching. The method you can use is a series of touching exercises which you and your partner enjoy with each other - exercises designed to bring you back into contact with your body, and allow you to experience the pleasure of physical arousal.

Of course, a lot of men with premature ejaculation think that if they just focus on the physical sensations of sex, they are going to come even faster. This is actually not true, though at first sight it looks logical. The thing is, you need to recognize the physical sensations and feelings your body is giving you, to be able to recognize when you are about to come.

Some men who start learning this kind of ejaculatory control will think that when they do have sex, the extended pleasure of long lasting intercourse is not as pleasurable as simply ejaculating just whenever they are ready to, without any degree of control. But the truth is that the reward of becoming a more skilful lover, one with the ability to last as long as you want, and with greater ability to please a woman during sex, is much greater than the instant gratification of rapid ejaculation. Click here to find out how you can overcome premature ejaculation and last as long as you want in bed! Medline has a lot to say on the causes of premature ejaculation, while this website is very helpful on the subject of retarded ejaculation - not being able to ejaculate during sex - or see Medline on the same subject. If these happen to be sexual dysfunctions which you are experiencing and you would rather not have them blighting your sex life, the links above can be very helpful.

The fundamental woman lies on her back position - learning ejaculation control

If you're starting your sex life you will usually find it easier to use an "on-the-side" or "woman astride" position. However, the fundamental woman-lies-on-her-back position allows more intense sexual activity. In this position, the woman lies on her back with her legs spread, her knees partly bent and her heels either resting on the mattress or cupped in the hollows at the back of her partner's knees. The man rests his weight on her hands and knees directly above her body, with his knees together between her legs. After penetration, he may shift part of his weight to his elbows so that his hands are partially free, or he may curl his back to allow some mouth-to-breast play. The woman has both hands completely free and can easily reach most of her man's sexually sensitive parts. She has good purchase with her legs to permit to-and-fro and rotary movements of her hips. She can take quite an active part in intercourse.

The fundamental woman-on-her-back position calls for somewhat more skill and control than the side posture. The man usually finds that he cannot relax readily to help himself control any tendency to premature ejaculation. In fact, the tense muscles he has in this position (or indeed any position in which he must hold himself up) makes some quivering and muscular tension inevitable even if he stops all sexual activity. The fact that the woman's sexual activity in this position can easily speed her man into climax, which is not generally true in the side by side positions, adds to the control problem. Thus both man and woman must keep the man's sexual excitement somewhat below the level which precipitates his orgasm and ejaculation, and both must expect an occasional quick conclusion while they are learning the necessary control.

However, the main reason for mastering ejaculation control in the side by side or woman on top position before you try the standard man on top posture is that this latter position calls for synchronized sexual movement, which requires considerable concentration and often proves too distracting until you have thoroughly mastered climax control. At first, the woman will find it easiest to synchronize her movement by keeping one or both hands lightly on her man's hip or buttock, being careful not to take the pace-setting role away from him by leading, but simply timing her own movements to correspond. The man should generally limit his motions both in frequency and in extent to allow his partner to follow them in perfect rhythm, especially when one or both begin to approach their climax. At this point, instinct will push you toward such rapid thrusting movements that synchronized movement will break down unless you use deliberate restraint. The satisfaction you will receive through simultaneous orgasm will well repay the extra self-control, though.