Answers about sex and sex positions

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Sex positions advice for couples

Always feel free to experiment with different sex positions! Such experiments keep alive the freshness of sex, in which the same old routine can be as boring and as great an enemy to sexual pleasure as issues such as premature ejaculation or the more challenging problem of being unable to ejaculate during sex, a condition called retarded ejaculation. These issues can arise during sex within any couple - new or old - and especially if they are the result of accumulated tension or resentment, or sexual boredom, trying new positions may provide the route to renewed intimacy and freshness. In addition, the simple physical stimulation provided by various positions may enable a man to overcome ejaculation issues - man on top being good for delayed ejaculation, while woman on top tends to help premature ejaculation.

Man on top sexual positions

The well-known man on top position has many advantages besides the ease with which two people can get into it. Face-to-face sex positions allow the partners to look at one another, and the sight of the pleasure which one partner is enjoying increases the arousal of the other. Deep kisses in which the man's tongue explores his partner's mouth, or where he sucks her lower lip, or tongue, can add greatly to the intensity of her sexual and orgasmic sensations. Kisses upon other parts of her head, throat and body are almost equally arousing. He can also kiss her nipples in this position.

Another advantage is the ease with which the man can control the movements of his penis - this gives him some ability to control his progress towards orgasm. But this advantage is effective only because, from the position she is in, the woman can make only small pelvic movements.

Disadvantages of man on top sex - which are not very significant - include the fact that in this position, penetration may not be very deep, even when a couple lift the woman's hips with a pillow. The reason why a pillow may or may not be needed is that the positioning of the entrance to the vagina is not exactly the same in each woman, but varies from individual to individual. The variation is not great, a maximum of merely two or three centimeters, but it is surprising how much difference in accessibility to penetration the forward or backward setting of the vaginal entrance can make to the depth of penetration. A forward-set vagina (away from the anus) is the more advantageous in that it allows deeper penetration, but even with a penis of average length it allows penetration to little more than two thirds of the depth of the vagina. A backward-set vagina (towards the anus) not only lessens this depth of penetration, but it can, if set well back, cause the man some discomfort, by requiring the penis to adopt an unnatural angle to achieve penetration at all. The advantage of a forward-set entrance can be almost completely offset by the slimness of a woman's buttocks; while, conversely, the disadvantageous feature of a backward-set entrance can be corrected by buttocks of prominent contours. Placing a pillow, or even pillows, under the woman's buttocks, thus lifting her pubic area up towards the man's pubic area, can help a great deal here. (Deep penetration is important because both partners seek that extra closeness at moments during sex; it is psychologically fulfilling for both the man and the woman to feel completely and deeply locked together at certain points during sex.) Most women will, as they approach the point-of-no-return, and thereafter until they reach orgasm, experience a strong need for deep penetration or a feeling of fullness in the vagina.

When you as a couple have discovered how to raise her pubic area to the height that allows deepest penetration when the woman is laying on the bed with her legs stretched straight, you can easily and quickly increase the depth of penetration to the maximum this position allows by having the woman draw up her knees towards her breasts as far as they will go without discomfort. If she then crosses the lower part of her legs over the small of her partner's back, exerting a downward pressure with them on his back, and at the same time, firmly presses her hands, one on each of her man's buttocks, there is a sensation in both partners that very deep penetration is being achieved. The problem with deep penetration is that it makes most men come very quickly - if you are trying to establish premature ejaculation control, the answer might be to use a position where you penetrate less deeply, such as side by side.

Woman on top sexual positions

In face-to-face sex, with the woman above, the man lies on his back, his legs together, and his partner squats over him, her legs drawn up on either side of his thighs, her upper body bent over and almost touching his upper body. He then inserts his penis, or his partner inserts his penis into her vagina, and she then stretches out first one leg, then the other, and lowers herself onto him.

This sex position has several advantages. It allows the two partners to see each other, lets them enjoy deep kissing and other kissing; it leaves both the man's hands free to caress both her nipples; he can also stroke other sensitive parts of her back and outer thighs; and she can make the main movements during sex, which means she can control her approach to orgasm - or indeed find out how a woman can reach orgasm during intercourse. While this might seem like a disadvantage to the man, if he cannot control his own faster ascent to orgasm, the fact is that if he does reach orgasm before his partner, she can continue to thrust or move as she likes until she has reached orgasm herself. Perhaps the most important advantage is that it permits lovemaking even when the man has a partial erection. If his partner positions her legs between her man's, which has the effect of allowing the vagina to grip the penis, this will increase sensation but reduce the depth of penetration considerably.

Undoubtedly the most satisfactory of the recumbent positions from the point of view of deep penetration and the freedom it allows to both partners to indulge in mutual caresses is the woman-astride. The man lies on his back, his legs together. The woman then squats astride him, her knees drawn up to her breasts and, the penis having been inserted, she lowers herself right down until she is sitting firmly on his upper hips, the lower part of her pubic area resting upon his lower belly. In this sexual position, penetration is so deep that the back of the vagina feels delightfully stretched; indeed, according to some experts, this is one of the few lovemaking positions in which the penis can penetrate deep enough to do stretch the vagina in this way. But to enjoy these sensations, the woman must sit upright. If she bends her body forward more than twenty or thirty degrees she'll lose these sensations. By bending back and forth at the waist, she can quickly find out which variations are best for both her and her partner. Of course, kissing is not easy; but this is more than compensated for by the other sensations., in which the man, while not experiencing the same type of sensations as the woman, nevertheless achieves the most intense sensations peculiar to him. Of course, watching his partner getting such pleasure will be deeply satisfying for the man as well.

The effect of his partner sitting firmly on his upper thighs is to stretch the skin covering the body of the penis. This stretching pulls on the frenulum and produces unique and delightful sensations, much more widely diffused than the pre-orgasmic sensations. If the woman is able to reach her man's nipples without leaning forward, she can increase sensations for him. By leaning forward and backwards alternately, she may be able to produce amazing sensation unlike those achieved in any other sex position.

A variation of the last sexual position can be made if the man can lie with his back supported by the bed, and his buttocks by a stool or some such narrow thing the same height as the bed - for example, a blanket-chest. The woman lowers herself on to her man until the penis is inserted and she is sitting firmly on him as before, but keeping her feet on the ground. Penetration is still deep and she can produce intense pre-orgasmic and orgasmic sensations for them both. She can also be much more active with her hands while her partner can give caresses to her inner thighs as well as her breasts and clitoris.

In another variation, the woman lies on the bed, with her buttocks on or slightly over the edge; however, instead of stretching out her legs on a stool or blanket-chest as the man did, she bends them at the knees so that her feet are firmly on the floor. The man then kneels between her legs and inserts his penis. (If the bed is too high for him to do this by kneeling on the floor, ht must make adjustments of some kind which will bring his pubic area on a level with hers.) Penetration is quite deep, but only so long as the woman lies flat on her back and does not raise her feet from the floor; the man's hands are left free to stimulate clitoris and breast, or any other sensitive area of the body presented to him; but it does preclude kissing, and the woman can do nothing to stimulate the man with her hands.

Face-to-face seated sex position

Here the man sits on an ordinary chair and the woman sits astride him. This position allows reasonably deep penetration, but there are other advantages which no other position permits. If the woman, having placed her hands on her man's shoulders, leans very slightly back, he is able to caress her breasts with his mouth; all her most erotically sensitive areas, particularly on her back, are within reach of his hands; while her clitoris is easily accessible to the stimulation of his fingers. Large couples will find this sexual position most helpful in obtaining deep penetration.

Side by side sex positions

A third face-to-face position is the side by side position in which the partners lie on their sides, turned to face one another. The easiest way to get into it is to start in the man on top position and then roll into it, with the woman's legs high up his thighs. Side by side sex can vary from full penetration to little penetration from the glans, giving a wide variety of sensations experienced in no other position. The chief problem with this position, is that there is comparatively little penetration - though that may be delightful for the woman and take pressure off her partner's penis, which can delay his orgasm.

Rear entry sexual positions

The woman kneels on the bed on her hands and knees, with her legs apart. The man kneels behind her and inserts his penis from that position. Adjustments can quite easily be made to allow for the different heights of man and woman. In every case penetration is exceptionally deep, but where the vaginal entrance is set back the depth of penetration almost equals that experience in the face-to-face woman-astride position. If the man's penis is slightly above average length the woman will also experience "stretching" sensations in her vagina. While the partner's face cannot be seen, and kissing is obviously not possible, the man's hands are left free for stimulation of his partner's nipples and clitoris, while he is also able to administer light kisses to the erotically sensitive areas of her back, and if he leans forward, to hold her around the waist with his body pressed against hers, the movements of his lower belly will also stimulate the very sensitive area at the base of her spine. Altogether, this position has many things going for it!

Answers to Readers' Questions (2)

Question: I went into your website and thought it'd be good to have your point of view on the relationship I'm having now. I am 18 now, and am in a sexual relationship with a man, Bill, who is 17 years older than me. We met a year ago when he was boss in the office where I worked part-time. After a few months working together, I asked him out, and we went on a few dates, but when we were kissing and about to have sex, he said that I was too young and he was too old, and that it would never work. Eventually, I started university, so we stopped working together. However, this year, we went out on a friendly date, and about 2 months later he invited me over for dinner to his place. We ended up kissing and shirtless, but didn't have sex. It went on like that for a few weeks, where we saw each other every 3 weeks or so, but never talked on the phone or anything in between. I did ask him a few weeks after we'd kissed what he wanted, and he said he didn't want anything serious. He told me he'd been in sexual relationships ever since university, and now he wanted a 1 or 2 year break from relationships, to "browse" around to see who was out there and decide what he liked. In other words, he liked spending time with me but couldn't reassure me that I'd be the only woman he was seeing. I argued that I wouldn't feel safe if we were to have sex, because he'd be sleeping with other women which would be a very high risk for both of us, at which he said he didn't sleep around, because sex was a very big step for him. He said he just wanted to get to know more women. Knowing him, I trust he is taking this position. He is a very responsible, maybe even a neurotic kind of guy. So we agreed to this "open relationship", and agreed to tell each other if we dated other people. This position suited us both. After about 2 months, we had sex. We've been seeing each other and making love in various positions together about once every one or two weeks. Neither of us had dated other people, until about 4 months since we'd started our "relationship", I went on a date with another guy, but then it felt like cheating, so we decided to make this relationship exclusive. But he said clearly that he was planning to leave the country in about a year's time, so he couldn't settle with anything serious. But I sometimes feel like I'm dealing with two different people: one of them (Bill 1) is the man I used to work with - professional, distant, we can talk about a couple of things and then conversation will stop with uncomfortable silent gaps. The other man (Bill 2) is someone I've managed to get close to, sexually and in other ways, with whom conversation runs freely and is very open. We have moments every now and then when I feel I'm with the latter, but not many lately. I just feel like every time we get together, we do the same things: have dinner or go out for a few drinks, go back to his, have sex, then spend the morning together watching TV and having breakfast, stay the rest of the day in bed, and it's just become a rather monotonous routine. Even the sex has become a bit monotonous, positions boring. I feel like I've got a higher sex drive than he does. The other thing is that, with my ex-boyfriend, we rarely used condoms because I was on the pill. I am on the pill right now as well, but Bill wants to be extra safe just in case, but I haven't gotten used to the feel of condoms yet... they usually just make my vagina dry, and that makes sex less enjoyable. I know you'll say that this sexual relationship isn't going right, we're just not right for each other, but I wanted to see if there was some way to save the relationship.

I feel I'm not interesting enough, he's getting bored of me, and I want to try and make it better. I want to know what "turns you off" or make you lose interest in a woman, and what makes you more attracted to a woman. He mentioned when we talked about making our relationship exclusive, that he didn't feel a special sexual connection between us, but I still think we do have it when we have those real close moments. Even though I've tried not to get too attached to him I feel like I'm falling in love. I really do want to see if I can fix this relationship, make it better, or just make it work. I don't know what to do about it. People say play hard to get. Does that really work? How hard and how to do it? What if I really want to see him but want to wait for HIM to call me? I just feel desperate every time I have to wait. Your help would be really appreciated.

Answer: Well, thanks very much for writing. I was really interested to read your account of what's going on for you, and I do have some thoughts. But I'd like to start with the comment you made about wanting a man's point of view on what makes a woman appealing and interesting, or what turns a man off. The answer is that there are as many things that can turn a man off as there are men: it's different for all men! Here's the truth - you can't make a man like or love you by being interesting or learning to amuse him in ways he likes. Far from it: because when you're concerned with the impact you're making on a man, you're not being your genuine self, and this, more than anything else, puts you at a disadvantage. If you're going to have a good relationship, being open, honest and above all being yourself are most important. I found your email fascinating, intelligent, and engaging. I am quite sure you already have all the qualities you need to have a great relationship - with the right man! So why haven't you got it? I wonder if your self-esteem is a little bit low? Do you believe you deserve a good man and a great relationship? If not, then you might tend to settle for something less than you could achieve, and I wonder if perhaps that's what you're doing with Bill? I have a lot of experience with men, and my impression from what you say is that Bill is a split character, who, in the absence of therapy, is going to continue bouncing between resentment and attachment. This will never be what you want, or need, and I think you probably need to consider making a decisive break and finding a better relationship. I think the way to do this is for you to maybe seek some support - call it counselling if you like - that will support you in achieving a good relationship and seeing your true worth. If you're open to workshops, I'd suggest trying this, as I know many women have found it enormously helpful: http://www.womanwithin.org/

Question: I need a little guidance here... I'm a 38 year old woman - attractive, hot body, etc. in a relationship with a guy I am head over heels for. He is constantly professing his love for me also, which I take with a grain of salt because I think he is in love with what I do to him and how I make him feel (incredible blowjobs, massages, etc.) not so much with who I am. Sad for me, but my own fault. Problem: he's always been rather gluttonous about sex. I mean, he's a taker not a giver. He lies back and enjoys the way I touch him, kiss him, give him head, taste him, etc. I love to make him feel good (it makes me feel good) and in the back of my mind I do to him the things I would love for him to do to me. But I remain untouched, and unfulfilled. He has never gone down on my vulva (even though my pubic hair is shaved, and my vulva nice and clean), he has only touched my vulva or vagina 3 times, and it was all business - finger in my cunt on target. I know he is capable of good sex, just not willing for whatever reason and I find I have no voice. It feels like rejection every time we make love and he doesn't take the time to touch me first. I don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt his ego (feelings) and I don't have the guts to say something. I've tried hinting, and moving my sexual parts under his hand, but nothing. I need advice. Not something I have to say to him- because I can't. Something I can do to make him WANT to touch me sexually. He loves to fuck me but he doesn't understand that for woman, it's 85% seduction in the mind. Have I been too giving? Should I shut him off and make him come to me? Is it too late to play this game? Please help, everything else about this guy is great!

Answer: Thanks for your message, I've thought about it a lot during the course of the day. Not for the first time I'm struck with awe about how lucky men are when they have a partner who's devoted to them: the way a woman wants to make things good for the man she loves is a powerful force. I suspect that men don't appreciate it enough, though, and when you combine that fact with men often are driven by the desire to sexually satisfy themselves without much thought for their partners it can produce an unhappy situation.....as you know. I'm sorry to say this but I don't think there is any way you can "make" this guy want you sexually or behave better sexually. Whatever psychological position he's in, he seems to be stuck in. I know only too well a lot of women think they could change a man if only they knew the right way to go about it. Believe me - it doesn't work. The only way he'll change is if he wants to, and the only way you can find that out is by talking to him. Suppose he doesn't change? Will you be prepared to go on not getting the sexual satisfaction you deserve? Is this a position you want to be in for the rest of your life? I'm afraid you need to be firm here. Tell him what you want sexually, why you want it, how he can give it to you - and see what happens. My guess is he'll get irritable, for he will then know you want more off him than he is prepared to give. If so - then you have to decide what you want.....a loving sexual relationship, or the status quo? But if he does respond - and there's always a chance he might - and starts working with you to give you a better sex life, and stops being so sexually immature and selfish as he is now - then you still get what you want and you have all the good things about this sexual relationship too. In short: you need to communicate with him, and if this doesn't work, then you must think about what you want and need most. Yes, that may mean ending the relationship. But perhaps that is a better position than the unhappiness you now seem to be experiencing.

Reply from questioner: Thanks for writing back and telling me everything I didn't want to hear. I was really hoping for some crafty techniques only known by the opposite sex! I still think this sexual "laziness" is a learned habit not an innate trait. Men like my boyfriend who are really good looking and well endowed have an easy time attracting sexual partners and satisfying their needs, at least in the short term. It probably doesn't help the position when there's women like myself out there faking orgasms half the time so not to damage his ego, then going home and masturbating myself a dozen times to orgasm. No wonder most of his relationships have lasted less than 18 months (he's 49). Maybe no women ever told him the truth about his sexual techniques! Are woman sexually disillusioned because we are innately givers? Maybe men aren't as sexually selfish as they appear, maybe we have been too well trained in giving for too long. It almost seems as it has become part of our DNA. I just can't imagine holding back on making someone feel good, you know? Sometimes I really envy men, no guilt in just lying back and enjoying whatever sexual things someone does to them! So last night, after reading your response I was trying to psych myself up to actually say something but once again I failed. I was a little more persuasive with my actions and a couple of "no, not yet" lines. I was lying on my back, with my head off the edge of the bed, and he was standing over me so I could suck on his balls and lick his cock. He actually leaned forward and ran his hands down my belly (once) and rubbed my pussy (for about 30 seconds). I thought for sure he was going to give me head (cunnilingus) because I did hint by raising my hips towards him but no....my pussy gets wet really easily, and I think he takes that as a signal that I'm ready to enjoy sexual intercourse in whatever position he fancies. The sex position was good, he sat on the edge of the bed and I faced him, wrapping my legs around his back, but I just wasn't worked up enough with foreplay. Then, after I faked an orgasm, he stood me up and bent me over the bureau in front of the mirror and fucked me in the rear entry sex position. One of my favorites! Seems like such a waste when I wasn't even close to being ready. Do you think I need more foreplay than the average woman? I mean I could really use like 20-30 minutes to get me going psychologically even though I get wet in 3 minutes. Don't get me wrong I love quickies too, they have their place and time though. Maybe I'm being too obsessive about this whole sex thing. Everything else in our relationship is so good, I am considering just accepting the status quo and being grateful for that alone. I don't know if any relationship can have all the elements we need or want, it seems to be a little farfetched to expect that. Unfortunately, my brain equates sexual fulfillment with a very deep sense of intimacy, of someone truly knowing me and loving me.

Second answer: Thanks for that heartfelt reply. First of all, 20 - 30 minutes is normal foreplay time for women. It takes the average woman 10 - 20 times as long to get sexually aroused mentally as it does for the average man - which is 2 - 3 minutes. Sound familiar? Sure, you may be producing vaginal lubrication, but for a woman (and indeed sometimes for men), being aroused physically does not equate to being aroused mentally, nor does it mean you are ready for sex. When you equate intimacy with powerful connected sex, you tap into the true nature of female sexuality, not the superficial version foisted on women by men's sexual demands. When you meet a man who understands this, and who knows how powerful the force of female sexuality can be when it comes from a woman's deepest place (by which I mean her heart and body connected in both love and sexual desire), you'll see that the most powerful sex comes from long arousal and mutual intimacy. So my challenge to you is to seek out what you deserve, and what I think you are looking for, not to settle for a life of faked orgasms and sexual compromise. This is not a good position to be in.