Sex Positions & Techniques

Question: I am 28 single and a heterosexual guy. I wanted to know - can one get addicted to porn? I know it's junk, I personally would not engage in the mindless, loveless gymnastic sexual acts of porn with their weird sexual positions but I feel like viewing it! I had outgrown it at some stage but every once in a while I like to watch it for a long time - maybe a whole day. Is this a sexual addiction? Will it go away if I distract myself by doing other important stuff? Is this linked to the desire for a partner or for sex? Does watching porn have any beneficial effects like providing some sexual/visual satisfaction? Do people outgrow this urge with age?

Answer: To be honest, I think what people call addiction to porn is often much more about boredom. I know this may sound a bit like the old idea that young boys can stop masturbating if they find a worthwhile hobby, but there seems to be some truth in it. First of all, if one's in a worthwhile sexual relationship then porn can be an adjunct to sex in the relationship, but it is unlikely ever to be the main object of a man's desire. Second, if a man is not in a relationship, and needs to "get off" (i.e. ejaculate to relieve sexual tension) then porn can be useful for this, and even exciting - but how often does one really need to do this? Once a day at most? So I wouldn't say a guy looking at porn every day, specifically to "get his rocks off", was addicted to porn, no. I think the truth is that all men like to be stimulated by porn - it satisfies a basic urge, and provided the porn is consensual and not abusive to women, then I think it's OK! I suspect the main problem with porn is the time it wastes!

Question: I got married last month and we're having a really good sexual relationship. Now we are facing my wife’s first menstruation period. She badly needs to have sex even in her period too. She thinks it's ok since one of the counselors (before our marriage) told us, "if you do have sex during a period, use condoms". Since it's her desire, we had sex three times in this menstruation period; only once I could make it successful. The other words two times I found that I don’t like to proceed with it and I had some erection problems.  So I had to give up since I had no erection. I personally felt this lack of erection was of no significance since her vagina was bleeding and not that arousing to me or even sexually interesting. But, she was really disappointed and that made some sort of a problem between us. From her point of view, she thinks she has been rejected. She thinks all couples have sex during menstruation. What I should do sexually in this position?

Answer: I am sorry that this issue has come between you and your wife! It's a natural part of life together that a couple will have disagreements like this from time to time! The answer is to talk it through with each other. She needs a lot of reassurance, as many women do, over and over again, about your love for her and about the fact that you are not rejecting her. You also need to make sure that she understands that you don't like sex when she is having her menstruation: and it is entirely a matter of choice for each man and each woman whether or not they enjoy and are prepared to have sex during this time. So you need to tell her what you feel and what you want and don't want, but you love her and there is no rejection involved. If she feels you are rejecting her, you need to reassure her you are not in fact doing so. But if you were willing to compromise and try and have sex at this time, perhaps you could have a shower or bath together before sex and then use lubricant and a condom? Lastly, I would say a minority of couples have sex during the woman's period.

Question: My query is about my male partner not being able to ejaculate when I perform oral sex on him. He says that no one has ever been able to make him ejaculate this way before and that he finds oral sex uninteresting or not stimulating. I have tried on several occasions and found that he suffers from a loss of erection and his penis goes soft after a couple of minutes. He in turn has no interest  in performing oral sex on me for the same reasons. If performing oral sex on him, he declines any kissing with our mouths as he finds it dirty. He seems uninterested in kissing, licking etc when we share sex. He has confessed to me of a traumatic experience as a young teenager in which he was sexually abused by a group of men. I wonder if his behavior is linked to that experience or if  there are any other reasons why a man would not be interested in oral sex with a woman?

Answer: The odd thing is that not being able to ejaculate during oral sex is not unusual as you might think. Many men find that they just don't get enough stimulation from oral sex to keep their erection or ejaculate. Your guy might need a combination of hand and mouth - combining the delicate and often exquisite pleasure of your mouth with a firmer touch from your hand as you masturbate him (you could try your finger and thumb encircling his penis and sweeping up and down every so often). By showing him how enjoyable it can be (most men seem to think so!) he may come to like it more - the firmer touch might be the key. On the other hand if he really doesn't find it that much of a turn on, then I guess you might need to consider some other form of  sexual play - massage, sensuous kissing and mutual masturbation with fingers are all possibilities. If you'd like him to go down on you, that is to say give you cunnilingus, in return for you licking and sucking his penis, then try seducing him - share a bath, wash well, then step out and make him aware of your sexual attractiveness. Make it clear how exciting sex with you will be! I'm sure that you'll know how best to get him sexually aroused and excited, but if you can exert a degree of control over him - for example, tell him "It's my turn to decide what we do - you relax and enjoy", then you might be able to tease him to get him sexually aroused and then he may be more willing to let you stroke and kiss his penis. Don't go over the top if you do this - you need, I think, to introduce him to the pleasure of oral sex gradually, so it is not too much of a shock for him, so that the pleasure comes before any negative feelings he may have about oral sex. If the negative experiences you describe have anything to do with his aversion to oral sex, then yes, he may need to be turned on before you try oral sex. (As opposed to trying to turn him on by giving him oral sex.) As he shows signs of enjoying fellatio then step things up a bit. Start by kissing his glans and taking the end of his penis briefly in your mouth, before moving on to take more of the shaft and for longer periods. I think this might help - and if it does, then you are well-placed to ask him to reciprocate with cunnilingus. Just ask him to breath in your scent, not necessarily lick or kiss at first. Most men find the scent of their partner's vulva very exciting, though the key for your guy, I think, is that he needs to be aroused before he starts giving you oral sex. Many people find things acceptable and exciting when they are sexually aroused that they don't when they are just "getting going". So in short - tease and arouse him, then seduce him, and when he is excited you may find him more willing to engage in oral sex pleasure.

Question: I would love your advice. I recently came across your website and would love to get some advice about a sexual relationship that I am currently involved in. My partner and I have been dating for seven months, but prior to meeting each other he was in a 3 year sexual relationship. As a matter of fact, he was still struggling with this when I met him in November 2007. (She was the one to end the relationship). Anyway, I recently discovered from a mutual friend of ours that his old girlfriend was 'into rough sex' (things like being held  down or choked). My understanding is that it wasn't abusive at  all, just more like 'role playing'. My question is when we had sex the first time and for each successive time that we would be in bed together he would use the same kind of behavior with me. Not knowing at the time about his old girlfriend's choice of sexual behavior and what they did sexually in that relationship, I just thought it was something that he wanted to try with me and in all honesty I enjoyed it - but knowing that it was sexual behavior that was carried over from a prior relationship I am rather hurt. Should I be hurt about this? I have to wonder if he was thinking about her while he was having sex with me (he did tell me that he loved her deeply). So, is it normal for a man to bring that kind of sexual behavior into a new relationship? Is it possible that he's not really over her yet? And  should I feel bad about this at all? What's really peculiar is that I did  notice that the last time we were together just a few weeks ago that he  didn't attempt any sort of that 'rough behavior' with me. It was very  noticeable and completely caught me off guard, as it seriously went from 'sexually aggressive with the holding down and rough behavior' for the past 6 months to more of a 'passionate love making' event. So if you could explain any of this to me this would help so much! He is in his mid 20's and was dating a girl a couple of years younger. I am in my late 30's. Not sure if that matters but didn't want  you to think that this was coming from a 'teenager'!

Answer: I doubt this has anything to do with his previous relationship. I think it is much more likely that this is just something he is attracted to sexually, and finds sexually arousing. If you enjoy it as well, and you are doing it in a safe way, so there is no danger of erotic asphyxiation, then that is probably ok. If there is any sense that he is violent or abusive, or that this sexual behavior could go that way, then I strongly suggest you leave the relationship. If he shows no sign of that behavior again, then I'd be inclined to suggest he has tried it, found what he wants from it, and is now moving to a different psycho-sexual place.