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Delayed ejaculation is a challenge to your sex life: it means a man is simply unable to ejaculate as he and his partner would wish during sex, although he can sometimes ejaculate with great difficulty after prolonged thrusting. While this may sound wonderful to a man who has premature ejaculation, it's certainly not an advantage during sex, as you'll know if you have experienced it. (The outcome is always the same: a sore woman, a frustrated couple, bad feelings, an unsatisfied man, and very probably an unsatisfied woman, too.) Generally, no matter how long intercourse lasts, the man will not be aroused enough to ejaculate even if he has a rigid erection. The best treatment for delayed ejaculation is sex therapy, where the causes and effects are described in detail, and the solution is explained simply and comprehensively. With the self-help treatment program, you can quickly and easily deal with any difficulty you may have ejaculating during sex. Better Orgasms During SexThe notes in this section are based on the book "The Art of Sexual Ecstasy" by Margo Anand, published by Penguin in 1989. On this page I would like to address the question of whether or not you are achieving your full orgasmic potential. Many people have a suspicion that they are not getting as much from their orgasms as they are capable of: you may be in this situation if the sexual cycle of foreplay, arousal, orgasm, and post-coital relaxation provides only short lived satisfaction, and a sense of a release of tension. The truth is that orgasm can be very much more than this short-lived experience. Although at the highest levels of orgasm we are talking of Tantric sex, even without an interest in Tantra, or the spiritual side of sex, it is possible to increase the power of your orgasms considerably by using a few simple sexual techniques. Many of us are desensitized to the pleasure which our genitals can provide during sex and orgasm. The most extreme example of this, perhaps, is a woman who finds it difficult to reach orgasm - not just during sex, but in any context whatsoever, including masturbation. You may well share the commonly held view that an orgasm is an orgasm is an orgasm. In reality there are several different kinds of orgasm. For example, as you may already know, women can ejaculate during orgasm, and the fluid is definitely not urine, as has been claimed by some skeptics. As another example of the variability of orgasm, you may know that orgasm in both men and women can take place without an ejaculation; indeed this lack of ejaculation is necessary for men to experience multiple orgasm. You may also know that both men and women can enjoy multiple orgasms and that in their most intense forms orgasms can induce a spiritual sense of connection with universal life energy. As you can appreciate, these facts take sex way beyond the conventional view of penetration, thrusting, ejaculation and so on. This doesn't mean, of course, that you should necessarily follow the path of multiple orgasms or female ejaculation. Rather, my point is that some people who do not fully experience the sensations coming from their genitals, and for whom orgasm is a limited experience, have a world of potential sexual possibilities open to them. If you think about it, male and female orgasms have a great deal more in common than we might at first realize, since the male and female genitals originate in the same embryonic tissue as the baby grows in its mother's womb. Extensive research on the human sexual response, published in 1987 in a book called Eve's Secrets by Josephine Lowndes Sevely, demonstrated that the sexual responses of men and women are so similar that it begins to seem meaningless to talk of orgasm and ejaculation as different processes. In both men and women the sensations of orgasm and the pleasure it may bring can happen with or without ejaculation, and with or without penile penetration of the vagina. This research demonstrated that orgasm is an event that can involve both mind and the body. I have mentioned before the book "Extended Sexual Orgasm" by Dr Alan Brauer and his wife Donna. They have demonstrated that the orgasm that we usually experience, lasting for an average of twelve seconds, can be extended through the appropriate training to thirty minutes or more. I am not suggesting that it is necessary for you to strive for a thirty minute orgasm, nor that failing to achieve it means you have failed sexually! On the contrary, the point of mentioning this is merely to demonstrate that the potential for improving the quality of your orgasms is almost unlimited. Sexual pleasure is felt as a physical experience in the penis and the vagina; but it is also associated with the sexual pleasure centers in the brain. There are three levels in the brain and spinal cord, each of which produces different sexual experiences. The first is the medullary reflex, at the base of the spine, which produces autonomic sexual responses including penile erection, vaginal lubrication, and ejaculation of semen. The next level is situated in the so-called archaic or reptile brain; and the highest centre is in the neo-cortex, where orgasmic energy can be experienced as, or lead to, an altered state of consciousness. While a certain degree of self-discipline and spiritual practice is necessary to achieve the highest level of orgasmic pleasure, it is very possible to increase the pleasure that you receive from sex by adopting a few simple sexual techniques. For example, much has been said about the difficulty for women in reaching orgasm during intercourse. And, yes, it is true that many women do indeed find it difficult to achieve orgasm during lovemaking. But we should not be influenced by preconceptions, for the ease of orgasm varies dramatically between women. Those women whose clitoris is near the vaginal entrance, perhaps even right next to it, are able to reach orgasm very easily during lovemaking. Not only is their clitoris near the vaginal introitus, but their G spot is very near the opening of the vagina as well, and they are both stimulated during intercourse - particularly in the woman on top sexual position. Reaching orgasm during sexual intercourse may actually be much easier for a women like this than it is for a woman whose clitoris is a long way from her vagina opening. In the latter case, a woman will probably need manual stimulation of her clitoris during intercourse if she is to reach orgasm. Moreover, a lot of couples do not realize that the best sex tends to happen when the size of the penis and the size of the vagina are well-matched. This knowledge was available in the Kama Sutra hundreds of years ago: the Kama Sutra distinguished penises by length and thickness into various categories such as the hare (small) or the bull (large) and the vagina into categories such as the deer (small) and the horse (large). The most compatible sex happens between a penis and vagina which are ideally suited in size. A long, thick penis would best be suited to a deep-set, wide vagina. Nonetheless, the point is that when you become aware of the finer details of lovemaking you will be able to achieve sexual pleasure in many more ways than you currently think possible! Adjusting your sexual positions can render discrepancies in the size of your genitals irrelevant to the success of sex; and changing sexual positions to suit the size of your genitals can increase the sensations of pleasure that you feel and make sex a much more rewarding experience. In this website we have already covered sexual positions for men with a small penis and sex positions for men with large penis, so I won't repeat that information here. Specifically, what I would like to discuss here is the experience of desensitization or bodily armoring. This is a process where traumatic experiences are literally stored as a cellular memory in the tissues of the body. However you see this, the effect is the same: the tissue is desensitized, energy is blocked, and there is tension in that area. Overall, the effect is to reduce pain, but of course along with the reduction in pain and unpleasant sensations there is a reduction in pleasurable sensations - not great in the sexual areas of the body! Because the genitals are such a sensitive area of the body, it is inevitable that they are subject to all kinds of negative experiences from our earliest life onwards: even harmless incidents such as the vagina being cleaned during diaper (nappy) changing can leave a traumatic impression later in life. Later in life, unwanted sexual experiences serve to cut us off, at least in part, from the sensations that we receive from our penis, vagina, testicles, and vulva. Unwanted or negative sexual experiences also leave a residue of tension and energy blockage in the genitals; circumcision, masturbation, and making love before a man is ready to do so (or indeed any experience of lovemaking that the man enters into reluctantly) are among the experiences that can leave armoring in the tissues of the penis and testicles. In all cases, the effect is a need for more intense stimulation to achieve sexual pleasure. Margo Anand has actually mapped out the relationship between the various areas of the genitals in women and the trauma they store. She claims there are associations such as these: the vaginal lips are related to a fear of opening, sexual shame, desire to hide, and a feeling of inability to complete; the clitoris is linked to nervousness, distrust, impatience, holding tight, and not expressing anger; the perineum is associated with difficulty letting go into the pleasure of sex and numbness; the barrel of the vagina holds anger; while the G spot is associated with sexual frustration, and performance anxiety. Of course maps like these are not definitive; and perhaps we should see their most useful function as reminding us that any negative or unsatisfactory sexual experience will be stored in the tissues of the body. You may at this point be wondering if the concept of genital armoring - or tension build-up - is relevant to your sexual experience. You can work this out by asking yourself if you have ever answered "yes" to any of these questions. Women Were you forced into sexual intercourse or made to engage in sexual play before you were ready, particularly at an early age? Have you ever made love because your partner wanted it, but you resented it and didn't wish to? Have you ever faked an orgasm? Men Have you made love when you did not really want to be having sex at all? Have you focused exclusively on the pleasure of your lover rather than your own pleasure? Women and men Have you ever experienced sex and found that you could not feel anything in your penis or vagina or vulva? I think it is true that we all have some degree of genital armoring. The more relaxed you are in talking about sex and your sexual experiences, and the more relaxed you are in engaging in lovemaking with your partner, the less likely you are to have a high degree of physical tension in your genitals due to sexual trauma. Margo Anand describes the qualities of a relaxed vagina - a sexually healed vagina - as "naturally yielding, soft and welcoming, allowing a sense of trust and playfulness in lovemaking....The vaginal muscles are elastic and respond to the penis by massaging it naturally." She describes the "healed" penis as "flexible, warm and vibrantly alive when erect.... its increased sensitivity enables the man to receive pleasure by resting his penis in the vagina in a gentle, relaxed and non-demanding way." So the question at this
stage, then, is: what do we do to achieve genital healing, to remove
the effects of sexual trauma and the physical remains of stressful
events from our body? What do we need to do to go forward into
the joys of ecstatic love-making? |
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