Advice for men and women - making sexual intercourse better with your lover! We all know that the type of sex we have when passion strikes - that's fast and furious sex, passionate sex - can be very satisfying and tremendously exciting. But this isn't the kind of sex that most of us have in our daily lives - and it isn't the kind of sex that keeps a relationship going on a week to week basis. When women are asked what they want most from sexual intercourse, they all say the same thing - longer, slower, more romantic sex, sex of the heart, sex which shows how much they are loved. A sensual way of loving, in other words, one that involves extended foreplay, men who are not genital-centered, kissing, oral sex as foreplay, manual play, and romance. This approach to intercourse ensures plenty of lubrication on the woman's part, an emotional and physical readiness to make love, and a desire to have her lover's penis in her body; it also lets both partners experience their sexual connection in a way that is much more profound than the "purely physical" pleasure of sexual intercourse, great though that may be.
And one reason why men might like to develop this aspect of sex even in their youth, in the days when they can make love fast and furiously and get great pleasure from it, is that is that it will be forced upon them anyway by the passage of time. A decline in testosterone for almost all men means that by their forties or fifties, mad passionate lovemaking is rather less common, and the extended form of sex mentioned above is the one that will inevitably give them greater pleasure. The rampant erections and the ever-ready penis of youth gives way to a more measured way of lovemaking, and a more romantic expression of the sexual self.....or at least, it can do, if a man allows himself to explore the potential of this approach to sex. It may not be going to far to say that men of all ages will get greater pleasure from sex if they slow it down, and aim to meet somewhere in the centre ground between male and female desire. In other words, the man needs to go slower, to be more body-centered and body-focused, and pay attention to the needs of his lover. The woman needs to respect the fact that men are quick to arouse, quick to ejaculate, and slow to recover. But more than anything else, when you ask men what makes sex exciting for them, they will say, with one voice, that nothing arouses them more than an aroused woman (to which women may say something like - well, men should take more time to arouse us!) The irony is that sex is much more exciting for a women when she too is aroused - and many women do not ever achieve this, either by their partner's hand nor by their own; yet this is sad, and a loss of potential, for great sex comes out of a combination of passion, involvement, activity and an open mind and an open heart. Their are many qualities inherent in that last statement, but some of the most important are: respect, trust and a desire to please oneself as much as one's partner. (If you wonder what happened to love, my answer is that yes, it can help to make great sex, but I think respect and trust are more important in creating passion). The secret to having great intercourse is the same as the secret to having great anything. You have to be into it. Sex is all about passion and lust and the expression of feelings. It's okay to be noisy. You can scream, moan, talk, or laugh during sex. In fact, in the same way that breathing deeply through a massage helps to enhance the pleasure, many women have said that making noise during intercourse greatly increases its physical pleasure. So what would an open mind and an open heart mean for you during sex? It might mean expressing how you feel to your lover, saying what you like and what you do not like. It might mean shouting, making noise, letting out your secret sexual self. It might mean something as simple as being fully present and in your body as you make love. It might mean something like giving yourself as much chance of pleasure as your lover - all give and not take is as bad as all take and no give. But in general. the less inhibited you are, the more enjoyable sex will be - though you might wish to monitor how loudly you shout as you come, especially if the kids are asleep or the family is visiting! And if the idea of expressing your sexual self through shouting does not appeal, then simply try making some noise: a moan, a sexual murmur of pleasure, a growling expression of your incipient desire. And if you are already the noisy type, remember not to shout into your lover's ear as you come, or use a pillow to muffle the sound of your sexual ecstasy!. What if you're a woman and you think you lack sexual skills? Many women seem to feel OK but not great about sex. It's almost as though they have never learned, never been given permission, to enjoy sex in a fully uninhibited way, never been given the key to unlock their sexual potential. There are, happily, many ways in which you can improve the quality of your sexual life and your skill and enjoyment of intercourse. And it's important to remember that when you feel inhibited about fully expressing your sexual self, that men will love it: men adore a woman who is turned on in bed, and however you feel about it, they will see it as a powerful sexual stimulus. And if a man believes he has turned you on with his skill as a lover, then he will be even more aroused! And here, then, is the first key to enjoying sex and being a good lover - enjoy sex! Remember, too, that many beliefs about sex in our society are simply wrong. For example, according to a certain type of woman's magazine, if you don't reach orgasm during sex, you're practically a sexual failure. Or at least that's what you'd assume from the frequency with which advice on how to reach orgasm during intercourse is dished out! But the stark truth, realized over many years, is that very, very few women reach orgasm during intercourse. Very few. You can take it from me that no matter what you read, or hear, or believe from the newspapers and magazines you read, that far fewer than one woman in ten reaches orgasm during intercourse. If she does, it's most likely to happen because she's getting some clitoral stimulation or she has a very highly developed sensitivity to vaginal stimulation. For the majority of women orgasms are achieved during intercourse by clitoral stimulation. Also, if you're pursuing the dream of simultaneous orgasms, remember that these are also very rare: and coming together is not necessary for great sex. Indeed, the effort involved in achieving it may be so great that you just find it disrupts sex and spoils the sexual pleasure. In the face of such pressure from all around, it's natural to think that somehow you're not doing sex well, and that things should be better. But when you worry about not having an orgasm, rather than relaxing and enjoying the sex and the pleasurable feelings it can bring with it, you lose out on two counts: the pleasure of sex and the sense of intimacy that comes with it. And the sensation of connection with your partner can be intensely pleasurable whether or not you reach orgasm. You may need simply to learn how to enjoy sex and accept the feelings of pleasure that your body can give you. As a woman, what can you do about this? A very reliable strategy to overcome orgasmic issues during sex is for a couple to ensure that the woman reaches orgasm before the man enters her. You can do this by having him masturbate your clitoris, or by him offering you cunnilingus - which, incidentally, is the most frequent route by which women reach orgasm during sex with a partner. But obviously to establish this as your route to sexual pleasure, a couple must communicate what they want to each other, and they must make it clear what is happening. Any man - whether he is in love with you or not - will wish to "give" you an orgasm. In fact, a man's sexual self-esteem may well be bound up with seeing you reach orgasm, so any information you can give him to help him achieve this end will help him feel better about himself as a lover. You may not agree with me, but that's the way it is: men feel good when they think they have "given" a woman an orgasm. So it may well be essential for you as a woman to explain that you can't come during intercourse and to tell him what you want instead - cunnilingus or manual pleasure, perhaps. When he sees that you are still aroused after your orgasm, and want his cock inside you, he will be delighted to help you attain orgasm in this way! (Sex for a man after you have had an orgasm is especially pleasurable because your vagina is still swollen and moist, and offers even more delightful sensations for his penis than ever!) Above all, please don't fake orgasm. That strategy helps neither of you. And because women are so conditioned to thinking they have to please others, it's often the case that women believe they have to let their man get sexual pleasure before they do. But the simple fact is this: it's better for both the man and the women when the women comes first. After sex, or more specifically after ejaculation, men lose interest and often just want to go to sleep, while women are still aroused after orgasm and ready to give pleasure to their lover. And men know this too - so all that is required of them is that they hold back their desire to ejaculate for long enough to allow their woman to get pleasure first! There is always the question of clitoral versus vaginal orgasms. But surely all that matters is that a woman is fulfilled? If she feels her orgasm to be in her clitoris, then it may be appropriate to describe that as a clitoral orgasm; if she feels it in her vagina, it may be appropriate to describe it as a vaginal orgasm. But what if a woman has an orgasm through having her breasts stimulated - what sort of orgasm is that? Presumably it depends where she feels it. The simple approach to the question of orgasms is to find out what you enjoy and then to use this method of getting orgasm - you may find that the nature of the orgasm varies from day to day and from one session of sex to another. This is natural. So you may enjoy having your G spot stimulated with a penis or a finger one day, and find that this contributes a vaginal element to your orgasm. Of course, it is perfectly OK if, the next time you enjoy sex, you simply want your clitoris stimulated and you reach orgasm with the clitoris as the centre of your sexual enjoyment. You may also find that you can reach orgasm from having your nipples stimulated or from fantasy - if so, great! In general, though, the areas which lead to orgasm when they are stimulated are the clitoris and the G spot. You can stimulate both or just one of these areas during masturbation or sexual intercourse with finger(s), tongue or a vibrator. It's obviously a bit more difficult to stimulate the clitoris with a vibrator during man on top sex, but it can be done in certain positions if you wish. An orgasm during intercourse without a vibrator (and in many cases even with a vibrator) will probably happen when a woman is already aroused and near her orgasm, so that only a little extra stimulation will take her over the top. This stimulation may be direct to the clitoris or it may be indirect from the movement of the penis in the vagina. In some cases, if a woman is near orgasm, then the extra stimulation from intercourse alone will make her reach orgasm. Obviously if using a vibrator is the way you can have an orgasm during intercourse, then making love or enjoying sex in the woman on top or rear entry position is more likely to be successful in achieving orgasm because the woman's clitoris is more accessible. Many women enjoy vaginal stimulation and for some this alone can lead to orgasm; when this happens, it is the stimulation of the G spot which causes the orgasm. The G spot, as has been well documented, is a small area of tissue just inside the vagina on the centre of the upper vaginal surface, about two inches or less inside. When a woman is aroused, her G spot is smooth and swollen, and prolonged rhythmic stimulation may well lead to a powerful whole body orgasm. (An orgasm felt throughout the body, not just in the genital or pelvic region.) The Coital Alignment TechniqueIt may be appropriate at this point to revisit the coital alignment technique, which we have referred to elsewhere on this website. The idea is to align the woman's clitoris and the man's pelvic bone during intercourse so that the rhythmic movements of sex stimulate her to orgasm. Of course, the area of the man's body which moves on the woman's clitoris is padded with pubic fat, so this isn't as uncomfortable as it might sound! The idea is basically that the man penetrates deeply (man on top sex positions are good for this) and then the couple rock in a small motion of two inches or so, rather than thrusting, so that her clitoris gets the regular stimulation that can lead her to orgasm. You may find, after a long period of G spot stimulation, that a woman produces a sudden burst of fluid from her urethra - this is female ejaculate, a liquid which we know is not urine, and which seems in fact to be some kind of female equivalent to prostatic fluid in men. Given the right stimulation, which tends to mean prolonged G spot stimulation, a woman may even ejaculate this fluid in short bursts, just like the ejaculation of semen from the male urethra. This is an incredibly arousing and exciting experience for most men! If you're interested in getting your partner to ejaculate, the best way is to practice during masturbation. (And to read Deborah Sundahl's Book: Female Ejaculation and The G spot".) Female ejaculate is sweet and tastes nothing like natural vaginal fluid - nor does it taste like urine. A word of warning.... Boring though it may seem to go over the same old ground you've heard so many times before, there's a good reason for this: your life. Unsafe sex does kill people, and all it takes is one moment of hesitation, one mistake in not donning a condom, one moment of sexual excitement that goes too far. It's great to take responsibility for your welfare and that of your partner - especially if they show no sign of doing so (though would you be wanting to make love to a person who had so little respect for you that they didn't bother with safe sex?). And also - the little matter of lube......if you're a woman you may or may not produce enough natural lube to make sex feel good. But many women don't, and they can feel uncomfortable because of it. The sad thing is that a man can also get a very sore penis if his partner isn't wet enough (and he may well not even know this at the time - but he will next day when his penis is red and sore) - so always have a little extra lube handy, and use it if there's any chance that your vagina isn't going to be wet enough for you both to be comfortable. |
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