Sex Techniques and Positions
The best guide to sex positions and lovemaking techniques on the Internet
the best position for you
Before we look at how to enjoy simultaneous orgasm (coming together) during sex, we'll take a brief look at the sexual positions which can help a woman come during intercourse....
If you read the surveys, only about 20% of women say they reach orgasm during intercourse on any kind of regular basis. A few others say they can come from time to time, but one thing's clear: orgasmic intercourse is a rare event for a woman. If you'd like to introduce orgasms during intercourse into your sex life, there are several positions which you can use that will allow either the male or female partner to stimulate her clitoris during sex. Combined with penile thrusting which stimulates her vagina and G-spot, this gives her a good chance of an enjoyable orgasm; and since it's always very exciting for a man when his partner comes while he's inside her, this can be a way for a couple to have great sex and perhaps even simultaneous orgasms. So, what positions allow him and/or her access to her clitoris during sex? (By the way, this is a great program designed to help women achieve orgasm more easily - how to have an orgasm.)
The first is the classic missionary, with a twist. Instead of the usual in-out, in-out thrusting routine, you get into close bodily contact and then rock gently, so that his body and hers act together to press on her clitoris in a rhythmic motion which will eventually bring her to orgasm. This is called the Coital Alignment Technique, or CAT, and it's been described many times, with greater or lesser accuracy, on the internet. One of the best descriptions I've found is on this link.
The next position is woman on top. This works well because when a woman is on top she can alter the angle of penetration by leaning forwards or backwards, change the degree of pressure on her clitoris by pressing her pelvis more firmly into her partner's body, and adjust the pace of sex so that she has a chance to get just as aroused as her partner: for example, she can stop riding her partner so his arousal remains constant, while she adds to her own excitement with some clitoral self-stimulation. This can bring the level of arousal of the two partners closer together so they eventually reach orgasm at the same time when she resumes thrusting.
You can also try any rear-entry sex position. These positions work well because the man is behind his partner, and he can reach round and add to her pleasure by manually stimulating her clitoris as he thrusts. If she prefers, she can do this herself, pacing her arousal so that she comes before her partner does.
A good tip for a couple who want to experience the joys of simultaneous orgasm is to use their PC muscles to alter the level of arousal they feel. By clenching her PC muscle, a woman can increase the pressure on her partner's penis, and thereby increase the pleasure he feels. This maneuver will also increase the pleasure that she gets, and with the right muscular movements can increase her arousal and speed up her arrival at orgasm. The same is true of the change in arousal that comes from moving her legs closer together or further apart.
Side by side (while facing each other) sex positions are good for simultaneous orgasm. There is much less pressure on the man's penis, so he can last longer; if the partners lean back so their upper bodies are apart from each other, her clitoris is freely available for pleasure, and she can move her hips in the way that gives her most pleasure. If he stops thrusting or moving, while either he or she plays with her clitoris, it's very likely that she'll be able to reach orgasm while he is inside her.
Another useful tip for some couples is to thrust deeply enough so that her cervix is stimulated. Not all women find this pleasant - indeed, the usual advice to men is not to thrust deeply because it can be painful for a woman if he hits her cervix. However, there are a significant number of woman who find that cervical stimulation - often when they are highly aroused - is actually the key to triggering orgasm. It follows that the deeper the penetration offered by a position, the more effective it will be in helping these women reach orgasm. See Positions For Deep Penetration.
Working towards simultaneous orgasm
It's not essential, nor even necessary. Sure, it's nice, very nice, and well worth experiencing. Yes, sometimes it's mind blowing. So if you do want to work towards simultaneous orgasm, and the man has enough self-control to keep going for long periods, the next step is to bring the woman's sexual arousal to a high level before you start intercourse. Some men can go right into a sexual rhythm that stimulates their partner without any initial pause, especially when they have had plenty of ejaculations recently. This means using the man's self control and staying power to make sure his orgasm coincides with the peak of excitement of his partner. The on-your-sides sex position offers enough stimulation to achieve this.
Here's some more information about mutual orgasm...
Soundly satisfying sex: a controlled sexual crescendo
You don't need to abandon yourself to your instincts in order to gain sexual pleasure; in fact, you get more pleasure from orgasm if you take plenty of time with sex. Sex-generated energy spreads slowly to every pore of both your bodies during the mid-phase of intercourse, and seems to explode in every area at orgasm.
Fundamental couple control of climax
The few moments after penetration really determine your chances of achieving total and mutual sexual success. If instinct gets free rein over your movements, it brings the man to his orgasm in a matter of seconds. He gets only fast sexual relief, and his partner gets such brief stimulation that she gets orgasmic pleasure only if she has reached the brink of orgasm beforehand. Yet such experiences can be wonderful for the man, and many couples incorporate them into regular lovemaking.
Lasting longer in bed can be difficult. If you let your sexual instinct (which means hard, deep and fast thrusting) carry you along, it's impossible to control your orgasm. With less arousal, simple techniques can easily control your progress. In general, both partners gain by doing whatever is necessary to extend the period before the man ejaculates. You can accomplish this more easily through attention to two things:
1 Both partners (but especially the man) should learn the art of positive relaxation
Muscular tension is an integral part of sexual excitement. You can learn deliberately to reduce muscular tension, and so reduce arousal, but you need to do it before you're in the height of excitement during sexual intercourse! Best lie down alone in a quiet, darkened room and make yourself entirely comfortable. Learn how to decrease tightness of a muscle by working in your range of deliberate muscular contraction. For example: hold your arm muscles a little bit stiff, then a bit stiffer, then as stiff as possible. Now relax them gradually: first to quite stiff, then to moderately stiff, slightly stiff and normal. Another step in the direction of relaxation shows you how to deliberately relax your muscles even more than when they are resting normally. With a little practice you can relax the muscles of one arm, one leg, the other leg, the other arm and so on until all your body parts are quite limp, then go back around the same succession of parts for even further relaxation. Do this several times a week until you can always relax your muscles quickly and deliberately, even when distractions make the task more difficult. If the man applies this ability for relaxation whenever an imminent orgasm demands a pause in sexual activity, he will find it very effective indeed. And his partner's relaxation at such times prevents the muscular quivers and pressures which might otherwise play a role in precipitating her partner's orgasm.
2 Set signals for a pause in movement
Especially when you first start on your sexual adjustment or readjustment, you need constant communication. Some couples guide each other with steady murmuring as to their state. Utterances range from "That's the way - oh, I like what you're doing to me tonight" to more poetic comment, punctuated with kisses and caress. Other couples find talk is distracting, and let the man signal for more or less movement with a guiding hand on his woman's hip or by making her match his own sexual rhythm. Whatever your approach, a woman should always know when the man wants to stop moving. And the other benefit is that these moments' pause give you a chance to talk!
Maintaining the woman's arousal
The first few moments after penetration not only involve risk of a fast male orgasm but are also the most likely time for a woman's sexual desire to decrease. Worse, if the man needs long pauses to maintain his sexual control, his partner gets little or no direct sexual stimulation. The contrast with the intensive sex play just before penetration makes the absence of stimulation something of a let down, and the more passionate a woman is, the more she's going to dislike such a pause. So, as you work towards your orgasms, both partners should do everything, short of movements which might bring on the man's climax, to build and sustain the woman's arousal.
Fortunately, rubbing the penis and vulva or clitoris together with little or no penetration, using short strokes, often gives the woman much more sexual stimulation than the man. Women also get considerable sexual stimulation when their partner kisses or caresses their breasts, buttocks, thighs and back. And the excitement which a woman derives from actively caressing her man and from making her own sexual movements also deserves emphasis: too many women let sexual excitement drop by not expressing themselves sexually, being too preoccupied to let themselves go. The very act of caressing their partner's penis with fingers, hand and mouth, and making active sexual movements, often proves very exciting, especially to the passionate, fast-responding woman whose arousal fades quickly during pauses.
But, even so, in spite of the man's attentions and the woman's passionate activity, feminine sexual desire often wanes to some extent in the early part of intercourse. If a woman becomes anxious about this reduction in passion, her anxiety usually kills whatever sexual excitement she has left. And in fact, there's no need for anxiety: this waning of feeling will seldom interfere with her ultimate orgasmic satisfaction or, indeed, her man's pleasure.
In fact, a woman can usually turn the situation to real advantage by simply using a bit of sex play: teasing her man by playful withdrawal. All women know how to do this, and no man in his right mind would mistake such a retreat for rejection, especially if it's followed by a new bout of sexy caresses. Both partners will enjoy a thrilling episode of further sex play, followed by delightful intercourse. A "play" interval like this excites both partners with no chance of causing a male orgasm, and turns a momentary lull into a positive advantage.
You can snug up the fit of a very relaxed vagina by using a sexual position in which the man straddles his partner instead of approaching from between her thighs.
An extra pillow or two under the woman's hips helps to bring her vulva up for easy access. She must generally separate her legs somewhat and bend her knees part way, both in order to prevent painful pressure where the penis passes under the front pelvic bone and in order to gain purchase for sexual movement. However, she can substantially tighten the grip her vagina makes upon her man's penis by bringing her thighs closer together after the man's entrance and by straightening her legs as far as comfort permits. Relatively short sexual strokes with both partners in synchronized rhythm usually gives the most intensive stimulation in this sexual position. During pauses and lulls, the man usually finds considerable opportunity for mouth-breast play, since his partner is stretched full length and his own back is sharply bowed.
How and when to use the various sex positions
Stick with the basic lying-on-your-sides sex position for several sessions. Your goal should be deliberate control of the male orgasm. The lying-on-your sides sex position offers considerable advantages: you can, for example, enjoy continual caressing since both of you have your hands free and every area from ear lobes to buttocks and from upper back to scrotum lie readily within reach. Kisses, love nips, breast play and murmurs of appreciation and endearment also help to maintain sexual excitement.
After you can control the man's progress towards orgasm fairly well, you can usually manage your first simultaneous orgasm. A vigorous, instinctive male climax in the woman-lies-on-her-back position usually wraps up this episode, but you can always wait until the last minute to shift into this position. Male control is still the essence of sexual success, especially when if the woman is to be able to move in harmony with her partner without bringing him off too soon. The woman-astride sex positions are worthy of investigation if deep penetration is comfortable. (Note: the woman astride position in which the woman's legs lie between the man's usually prevents over-penetration and brings the clitoris into closer contact with the penis.)
Long-term couples can use the standard woman on top position for sex or the "sitting in the chair" astride posture. In any case, the man can usually keep one finger on his partner's clitoris throughout the early stages of intercourse and add very active breast or buttock stimulation with the other hand. The woman should avoid bouncing movements until she is on the verge of orgasm, since motions which involve in-and-out movement of the penis often speed her man's climax.
If you've mastered male ejaculation control in the lying on-your-sides sexual position and explored female response to a variety of stimulations and rhythms in one of the astride sex positions, you can try the more difficult synchronized movements of the woman-on-her-back position. Most women find that they can most easily develop the responsive rhythm necessary in this posture when they are concentrating on pleasing their partner rather than when they are entirely in the grips of passion! You can move into this position from either the on-your-sides or the astride one.
After rolling into position, she should at first keep one hand always on her man's buttock to guide her to his rhythm, using the other hand to caress his abdomen, flanks or back. Both partners should strive for an even rhythm straight through to orgasm in this position. You will soon develop enough skill to achieve great sexual satisfaction, finding that responsive feminine movements are almost automatic, and she doesn't have to focus on deliberately-timed movements which can be distracting. Then, intercourse in this position becomes equally satisfying for both partners, whether you want mutual passion or relaxed lovemaking.
Other sex positions have special uses, and may also help to keep your interest in a happy sex life alive by adding variety. Rear entry sex while lying on your sides, and the crossed sex position will help tide you over periods of fatigue or advanced pregnancy. Sex in the woman's-legs-raised positions gives exciting sensations to the woman, but because they allow little feminine movement they might be reserved for a once-in-a while treat.
A woman with a loose vagina can pleasure her man best if he straddles her so that she can draw her thighs together to tighten things up as they make love. A woman whose clitoris lies too high for friction against her man's penis will require careful finger massage during intercourse in the woman astride and rear entry positions if her man is to be able to pleasure her sufficiently for her to reach orgasm during intercourse.